Tonight Lily settled in to watch her absolute favorite TV show ever, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. The music began, and suddenly she burst into tears.
“I miss Daddy!” she said. “I want to watch this with him.”
Another milestone, another moment I’m not sure how to handle.
I tried one of the things we’ve done in the past. “Let’s hold hands and talk to Daddy,” I said. “No!” she said, and pulled away. “Daddy is beyond space. Too far away for thoughts.” she said. ”Just putting pictures in my mind doesn’t work.”
How do I answer this? Some days I feel exactly this way, that he is “beyond space.” She expressed my unexpressed feelings so well.
I have whole days now where I feel pretty normal, though that shocky feeling is always lurking, waiting for a trigger to overtake me. Lily is the same. Tonight we have been working on her first major project ever in school. She will have to present an oral report to the entire class, plus all the parents and grandparents. I think the stress is what brought this breakdown on, and the realization that this is another of many firsts that George will miss.
I feel so sad for her.
And for myself.
I know as time goes by Lily will learn to accept George’s death. She’s an amazing person, insightful and smart. She has the best of George in her, and that is saying a lot. Like he often did, she surprises me with her unique view of the world. This will serve her well as she grows up.
But on nights like this, when her eyes shine with tears, I feel at a loss.
She’s just a little girl, who believes in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, and looks for trolls in our back yard.
A sweet, sad little girl, who misses her Daddy very, very much.
{ 4 comments }
My dad died traumatically when I was 20. There were, and are still so many firsts when I miss him terribly. However those truly are the times that I feel him closest.
I have a lot of hope that she can find a way to feel close to him. Thanks, Caroline.
Lisa I can’t even imagine Lily’s pain and you too. I know that when I read your post I feel a lump in my throat and think of your grief. You are so strong and have come so far. Melt downs for Lily I’m sure in some way are healing, even if its only letting the tears flow so she feels a sense of release. Holidays are tough when you miss someone who is no longer here. He is with her and I hope some way she can find closeness and peace again. Hug Buster and enjoy a little bit of calmness just don’t let him out in the snow!! Thinking of you guys during the holidays.?
Becky
Hi there Lisa ~
I realized something must be up, so I checked this website. OMG. This is a very heavy emotional blow, for sure. I read the whole thing, and even though I don’t get all the pilot terminology, I get the gist of it. Most bothersome is the co-pilot changing his testimony.
What can I do to help? If you want me to entertain Lily for awhile at any point, you could ask and maybe I’d be free then. Or if you want to do anything… get out of the house, come over & rant for awhile, or go get some coffee… I’m volunteering.
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