Last night I was telling Sara that grief is such an odd and confusing emotion.
In the almost-year since George died, I’ve been horribly sad much of the time, but also can feel almost giddy with joy at life, love and all that the world offers. For anyone who has grieved a loss, this point of view is no surprise. What George’s passing has done to me is crack me open to deeper emotions and understanding. The only other experience in my life that in any way matched it was Lily’s birth; a moment so full of magic, joy, fear and surprise that I can call it up at any time, fully blown, even 8 years later.
I was explaining to Sara that even though I’m not sure what I think about death and am extremely skeptical about the hereafter, I can’t help but mentally plead with George to communicate with me in some way. At night, sometimes I send out thoughts to him, begging him to visit me in my sleep or somehow send me a sign.
And guess what I’ve gotten? Nothing.
But this morning, as I sat, holed up in my bedroom, dreading the next round of packing and wishing George was here, a bit of magic did occur. If you read my entry about the moment of George’s death, then you know that I experienced an odd warm feeling when he left his body. Whether it was energy, life force, soul, or spirit I don’t know. But I felt a rush of warmth and knew he had departed his body.
Today I experienced a similar event. I was dwelling on how overwhelmed I feel about the move. All of a sudden, that familiar warm feeling returned. It rushed into and down my body. I could smell George. I put my hands up automatically and it was as if he was right above me, leaning across me. My arms felt as if they were clutched around his strong back. My face was pressed to his neck. It was electric. We embraced, and the feeling was quickly gone, leaving me confused and elated.
Explaining this moment is difficult.
When I say I felt him, it wasn’t tactile. It was a heaviness of the air and a rush through my body.
A sense memory?
Being a skeptic, I am left curious and of course deeply touched by the feeling I had for just those few seconds that seemed to last an eternity. Is my mind comforting me? Or is George? I know many of you believe the first, and just as many the second. As for me, I have no idea. But I got my visit from George somehow and I’m deeply thrilled and incredibly thankful.
Another life experience to be filed away and pored over some night when I’m feeling lonely. A moment to cherish when I once again felt a deep connection with the incredibly alive and vital man that was my husband.
I miss him just a tiny bit less now, and love him a tiny bit more.
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Beautiful.
You already know I’m with the “it was George” group.
XO XO
I personally don’t feel there’s any great difference between option #1 and option #2…..my perspective is that your brain is a two-way radio that occasionally gets tuned to the eternal presentness where George and our other loved ones “are”. I’m so glad you had that experience. I’ve had some powerful “visits” as well, and have found them very helpful……Hugs, B
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