I’m a mess.
The house is about two thirds packed and we are in the “rubble after the bomb” phase of moving. I’m getting more and more overwhelmed about the physical process of packing and have developed tennis elbow to add to my constant back issues. But really, what I am is mentally unfit for duty. No matter how much I try to pump myself up, I can hardly face moving the rest of the things in the house and driving 600 miles in the next two weeks.
Lily is unsettled too.
The past few days, each time she comes into the house she ends up getting extremely upset. This is bold, talking back, telling me off, daring me to punish her type behavior. Today, someone finally loaded up the Nordic Track that we put in the front yard. Its about twenty years old and should have been disposed of before George and I even moved in together. She looked out the window randomly and saw two men take it. Then she had a fit. “It smelled like Dad!” “I wanted it!” “You’re taking everything that ever meant anything to him!” “I’m his daughter, I should decide!” and on, and on. Finally, after making what turned out to be a few empty threats, I called my mom and talked her into letting Lily spend the night, drove her over, came home and collapsed.
I’m afraid.
What if I screw her up? What if I’m not up to raising her alone? What if I’m too old, too permissive, too tired?
What if she turns out to be bi-polar or just so angry and disappointed that she ends up living a miserable life?
What if I end up living a miserable life?
Today, I’m really down, really sad, and I miss George so damn much I feel like I’m going to spontaneously combust. My cheeks are hot and my eyes are teary. Everything hurts.
My confidence, and the bravado that I squeeze daily out of my soul is waning. I’m questioning all my decisions and hoping I can get Lily to Asheville in time to attend the first day of school, and that I won’t have ruined our relationship completely by the time we get there.
Why did this happen to us?
I’m sure I’ll be fine tomorrow, or at least functional, but tonight I feel like the saddest, loneliest girl in the world, and I hate it.
I’m angry.
I’m tired.
I’m gonna have to get over it, though. Gotta keep moving.
Wish me luck.
When George and I got back together after our 16 year hiatus, he sang The Yardbirds’ Heart Full of Soul to me to tell me how it felt.
Sick at heart and lonely
Deep in dark despair.
Thinking one thought only-
“Where is she, tell me where?”
And if she says to you
She don’t love me,
Please give her my message.
Tell her of my plea.
And I know
That if she had me back again,
I would never make her sad.
I’ve got a heart full of soul.
She’s been gone such a long time,
Longer than I can bear.
But if she says she wants me,
Tell her that I’ll be there.
And if she says to you
She don’t love me,
Please give her my message.
Tell her of my plea.
And I know
That if she had me back again,
I would never make her sad.
I’ve got a heart full of soul
Today, I wish I could sing it to him.
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{ 12 comments }
The gods know nothing of loss and we are stronger than they are because of it.
The dead can hear our thoughts when we speak of them. Today, you sang — you did sing it — to him. Let that be comfort and solace enough for the moment.
Then rest, sleep and dream.
Tomorrow will come as surely as ever, laden with new possibilities and the light of a daughter’s love.
Thanks Doug. Just re-reading my blog and I wanted to say thanks for your beautiful comment.
I think today you are the one doing the singing…it just doesn’t feel like it very much. You know you are doing the right thing. You know Lily won’t understand right now that it is the right thing. Sending you my prayers for strength and the ability to stick to your guns…..Hugs, B
A couple of months down the line, things are improving… Thanks for your strength, Betsy.
A better day is coming. Definitely. Patience and time. Patience and time.
We’re doing a little better today. Thanks Reay
Lisa, My heart goes out to your family, I am so sorry to hear about George, My family and I will keep you and Lily in our prayers.
Thanks Cameillia. We think of you often.
Dear Lisa,
I know so well how you feel. August 21st is 16 years since my son died and he was 16 when he died. I am agry. I am sad. My body hurts. All I want to do is sleep. It is a good thing my husband is home because my daughter would be on cruise control. Plus since my dad died 4 years ago my mom has not done well and I have had to move in with her, she is having trouble remembering things, having trouble taking her medication…etc…another person to take care of, when I don’t even feel like I can take care of myself some days. Some days I do great, some days not so great. Today is one of those not so great.
Is there any way you can hire some help to pack things and you and Lilly go ahead to the new house? Maybe lightening the load would help. Have the hired help pack up George’s belongings until you feel you can go through them. I did things this way and then I slowly decided the things I would keep forever and those things I would let go.
Shannon, my daughter, never knew her brother, but she is so loving and caring. At the end of April my X-husband, my daughters father died. Unfortunatlly, she was not close to him. We divorced when she was 1 and unfortunatlly he did not want to be part of her life. When I remarried, my husband loved me and loved her, he is Daddy to Shannon. I do know that it has affected her but she seems to be doing well.
Lisa, I wish you well and I will keep you in my prayers. I will appreciate your prayers as well.
Sharon, I think of you often. We’re in the same club these days, aren’t we. <3
I wish I could bottle his smell for her. Silly thought but take some of his old shirts and rinse them out save the water and bottle it for her. Your strength amazes me every day! If I could save time in a bottle by Jim Croce (spelling?)
Becky,
We took shirts from the laundry and rolled them up tight and put them in freezer zip locks. I think if I sniff sparingly I will be able to smell him for a long time to come.
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