Lily and I are still sharing the bed, but we’ve come to a new agreement. We have decided to put a pillow between us to try to keep her from scooting up on me in the night. I need to get more sleep, and its hard with her tentacles wrapped around me. I’m hoping she’ll move to her own room in the new house, and the pillow barrier is a therapist prescribed baby step.
She spent three nights at my parents’ house and it was blessedly quiet here, and awfully lonely. Each night I called her to say goodnight, and she answered reluctantly, then immediately said, “I got to go!” and then put the phone down, shouting, “I love you!”
I was so glad to sleep alone in the bed. It was a lot easier to get things packed. The stress level in the house was significantly lower. But I missed her every second.
So tonight we’re here in bed and the pillow is separating us. I snuck my arm over to give her shoulder a squeeze and she said I was “breaking the agreement.”
It’s so hard for me, since George died, to accept even the tiniest changes in my relationship with Lily. I don’t want things to change, but of course, they’re changing every day.
After being gone for three days, she walked into the house and started commenting on all the things that have been packed away and I realized it was going to be a hard day. All our folk art and family pictures are packed up, except for two favorite pictures of George that we saved aside so we could take them to the temporary house. DVDs, art supplies, toys, art, glassware, Christmas stuff, Halloween stuff, all packed.
Lily, Franchesca (our 11 year old next door neighbor) and I worked on random things around the house. We would work on a section and when I got exhausted with whatever we were packing I’d move on to a new area and pack something else. We went to the basement and started sorting George’s winter clothes for disposal. After I moment I looked up and noticed all the color had drained from Lily’s face and she looked like she was about to faint. “Are we giving his clothes away?” she breathed. I showed her all that we are keeping, all the clothes he wore often and carry good memories, and then I told her we were going to work on something else, and we got the heck out of there.
Later, I set her up to read “Little House on the Prairie,” one of her favorite books. I hoped the familiar story would help her cope. Bad idea. The dad in that story is such a strong and important character. After a few minutes, I looked up and she was hovering over me, tears brimming in her eyes. “I was reading and Pa told Laura a story in the book. It reminded me of Dad telling me stories every afternoon. I sat back to think of it and all of a sudden I could smell Daddy.”
“He smelled so good!” she said, and collapsed on top of me.
This led to me wrapping her in a blanket and rocking her on my lap for an hour, while I told her how much I missed George too, and then after a few minutes, about good times we had together and how happy we had been and how he is still with us. Her hands, feet and nose were freezing cold. She had dark circles under her eyes.
Finally, she warmed up, and we had a tickle session and things started to get better, but the rest of the day was very difficult. She had a couple more crying jags. Sara and I took turns trying to distract her and she and I ended up watching “Space Jam” before bed and cuddling Buster and his “family,” (Freckles, a stuffed Dalmation, and Spot, a tiny D
Framing the new house...
almation stuffy that Lily surrounds Buster with while he sleeps. “Buster’s such a good Daddy,” she tells me, as she arranges the toys near him each night.)
We are to the point where there’s no way to keep her uninvolved in the move, and George’s things are everywhere as we sort and evaluate things. She’s anxious about the change, the new school, and especially about leaving this house, the only place she knew George. Though I’m glad to be leaving, I understand how she feels. I’ll be glad not to feel I’m constantly looking for George in this house, but I’ll be sad to lose the feeling that he might be just around the next corner. Grief is irrational, and cruel, and its energy is strong and relentless.
So today, Monday, we are getting going again, and will be working on our bedroom. More sorting of clothes and shoes, books and keepsakes. I’m hoping I can distract Lily with another viewing of “Clash of the Titans.” I’m hoping I can distract myself with fantasies of our new life in Asheville, mentally arranging furniture in our new home, planning our garden, visualizing our first Christmas. It will be a long day.
And when we get tired, we’ll crawl into bed and put our little pillow barrier between us, per our agreement. I’m sure I’ll sneak a squeeze once Lily goes to sleep, and I’m sure I’ll lie there thinking about George, and the unknown future, and the precious past, and how lucky I have been in my life to have had the opportunity to love these people. So lucky. So sad. So scared. So excited.
Ready to start my fifth life, and I pray it will be a good one, and we can make George proud.
Moving along!
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{ 4 comments }
Boy you are one strong woman even if you don’t think so. All you have come thru amazes me. Lily is one lucky little girl to have you for a mother. Be strong and you’ll be okay. I’m sure teh move is alot of stress. Feeling like you are leving behind part of George, but your not if spirit is surronding you thru it all. I was half asleep the other day and they were talking about the crash on TV but I missed it.?
Don’t know what that was on TV but I’d like to know. Maybe I can google. it. We are trying hard to get things together and move in the next three weeks, which is a scary time frame. Closer and closer to a new life!
Lisa – you don’t know me, but after reading I feel I know you a bit. You are strong – incredibly so. I lost my husband just a few weeks after you did to a surgical error. I’m 49 and a widow. My kids are grown which, after reading your posts, I’m thankful for. I’ve had those moments of sorting through his things where I just can’t accept it and I have to move on to something else for awhile. For Lily it must be incredibly difficult – she’s so young to have to go through all this. You are strong though and she will be ok because she has you in her corner. The house is exciting to watch as it progresses along. I’m thinking more lately about my house. It is too big for me and after my youngest leaves next year for college it is probably time to find something smaller. It’s a tough decision because of those memories you speak about. Thanks for sharing – it has certainly helped me to watch your and Lily’s journey.
Lynee
Dear Lynee,
Thanks so much for your comment. Moving has caused a lot of stress for me, but we are just a couple of weeks from finishing up and getting out of here. Lily has had a lot of bad moments as we disassemble the house, but she is strong and I think her new school and friends will help her feel better about life and the future. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, no one is ready to lose their spouse, but when it happens so suddenly and at a young age it is just such a shock. So hard to recover. I hope you’ll keep reading.
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