Gone Daddy Gone

by fifilaroach on July 8, 2010 · 3 comments

Scout, waiting to enter the Pet Friendly Holiday Inn Express

Well, we did it.

Got to Atlanta, participated in the wedding, and then went to Asheville where we picked more things for the house.

It was exhausting, and we had a few problems, but we did it.

Before leaving Lily had her last days of school where she participated in the talent show and gave her beloved Isaiah a goodbye hug. They’re hoping to Skype. Isaiah asked his parents if he could move to Asheville with us, but they said no. He was quite surprised.

Lily and Isaiah.

Cute couple!

Sweet Goodbye.

Lily and Charlie on the go.

Sovenir collecting with Lily.

Lily with her spear.

Lily stalking souvenirs.

Once we got to Atlanta, we stayed at Bruce Smith’s house, where we were the world’s worst guests, missing every agreed-upon get-together and generally being screwballs. Lily had a great time with Charlie, Bruce’s three and a half year old, and got a tremendous kick out of being the older kid.

The whole wedding thing started hilariously. We drove 15 hours to Atlanta, only to miss the first party we were supposed to attend. We showed up at the restaurant, dressed to the nines, wearing HATS (yes!), and were a day late. I’m not surprised. We’re still struggling with getting details straight, though Sara is more likely than me to be right. Jeez. I felt like such a screw up, and the hats didn’t help!

Lily and Lisa, Hats.

We spent the rest of the week visiting friends, eating out, hanging with the Smiths. Lily enjoyed being around Bruce. Every few minutes she screamed, “Bruce! Bruce!,” and then asked him some unnecessary question or reported in on Charlie. She really just wanted to talk to a dad. (On the Hat Party day/Father’s Day she had just about the worst fit of sadness she’s had since George died. We couldn’t believe how upset she got since she’s been doing pretty well.)

Lily kissing Sara on Father's Day.

Sad Girl

Feeling Better.

She asked me if I thought she’d ever have another dad. “Not a real one, but one to hang out with… It wouldn’t be Daddy, but it would be a dad for now.” I know what she means, and the answer is “who knows?” After all that has happened I have stopped trying to predict the future. It’s just too tricky.

Come Friday in Atlanta we reported on time, and in the right place, for the rehearsal and dinner. Lily reveled in practicing her petal throwing and had a great time, but during dinner I discovered she had a high fever and took her back to Bruce’s to medicate her and force bed rest. That went over great!

Lily and the bride, rehearsal.

Lily, Gigi, Chiquita.

Lily practicing her walk.

Lily and me at the rehearsal.

Allan and Emily walk down the aisle at rehearsal.

She was so upset at the prospect of missing the wedding the following day she had another upset, but the next day when we woke up I felt her face and found it cool. So by nine AM we were at Allan’s house helping Emily with her hair and makeup.

Getting ready on wedding day.

We had fun getting ready and then got to the church by noon for pictures, etc. There was a gigantic wedding party of nine attendants on each side, plus Lily in the middle.

Checking out the reception hall.

Gigi and Chiquita watch the ceremony.

Right before the ceremony began I heard titters and whispers and turned to see Lily sneaking up the aisle in her wedding regalia, bringing me Gigi (stuffed hamster) and Chiquita (stuffed Chinchilla) so they could watch the wedding. She dropped them in my lap and ran back to the back just as the wedding began.

As it turned out, she didn’t get to throw the petals. There was some rule at the church that forbade it, so she gave out roses to women at the end of the pews. It was a great idea and actually better than the petals would have been as she murmured little things to each woman and managed to end up giving one to Sara and then one to the bride’s mother at the very end. She has a great sense of pageantry. Then she went up on the altar with the cast of thousands.

What really cracked me up was that she was so into the mass. We don’t go to church, and I’d say I’m spiritual but not religious. She loves pomp and circumstance and made a big point of kneeling for every prayer, crossing herself, and even went up for communion where she was denied the host but got blessed. She had a ball. At the end of the wedding the announced she is going to convert.

Hmm. You never know what’s next with Lily.

Lovely Emily.

Helping Emily with her Veil.

Lily with Flowers.

Dancing Queen.

She danced every dance at the wedding, requesting songs like “Dancing Queen” and “The Cha Cha Slide.” At some points she was on the dance floor with only one other person. “I’m not stage fright about dancing anymore,” she told me. (Still thinking that if she reaches her goal of being a rock star she should call the band “Stage Fright.” Great name suggestion, Lorna.)

Barb and Sara.

Lily and her pal Della.

Sara seemed to have a good time too. She looked great and managed to keep her four inch heels on all evening. As for me, I drifted between sad and happy, reflective and hopeful, just like most days. I’m not used to dressing up and felt a little awkward, and there was a totally hilarious conversation at our table with all the women talking about “Shape Wear,” which I refuse to delve into but others were sporting that very night. Can’t go to those lengths to look good. I will say the bride was beautiful, Lily was heartbreakingly lovely, and everyone at the wedding seemed to have a great, raucous time.

Once the wedding was over, Lily went back to her fever and fell completely apart the next day. So we packed up and moved on from the Smith home, stopping at a hotel to spend the night and visiting with Anne Boston, Valerie Schiedt and Clare Butler. We ate dinner together, caught up, and hung out. It was lovely.

Feast at "Nan."

Anne Richmond Boston at dinner.

Sara at the hotel.

Clare and Valerie at Nan.

Lily and Katie at Nan.

The next day we raced back to Asheville where we spent the rest of the week going from store to store with the designer choosing various things for the house. It was overwhelming, though at times fun. The house is going to be wonderful, I think. My excitement peaked at the lighting place for some reason, but it was downhill from there, with us leaving on Friday to race back to Reading for my older sister’s visit. Since then we’ve been tending to details and visiting with my family.

So, its been a long two weeks… and this is a long entry. I had lots of thoughts about the ten months since George’s death while I was traveling, and I’ve hit some high highs and some very low lows. Through it all I’ve thought once again how very, very lucky I am to have kind people in my life, interesting people, funny people, all of whom help us through the process of carrying on with our lives. So many good things have come out of this horribly bad thing that has happened, and that is sometimes hard to accept.

I still talk to George every day, still find it hard to believe he’s gone, still wake up hoping it was a dream.

Maybe I always will.

George’s death has given me a heightened sense of the fleeting nature of happiness. I know I will spend time every day for the rest of my life loving him, missing his presence, feeling cheated by fate.

I’ve come to understand a loss so great is impossible to accept, except over a long span of time. It take bravery to face death, and not only from the dying.

So we go on with our lives, spending time with friends, attending events, and watching Lily grow.

I feel so lucky to be here.

I sometimes feel horribly guilty to be the one left behind.

And more than anything else, I miss George.