A few days ago I woke up to hear Lily sniffling. Not what I wanted to hear as I am still in the throes of the worst cold of my life, that has hung on through two courses of antibiotics. I assumed she had caught my cold. Then I realized that she was crying.
“I miss him,” she moaned, when she felt me stir in the bed. “I want to be between you two.” That really describes what is missing. When he was here, George completed the circle, and now we have a gaping hole.
We talked. She told me that she was worried about moving, leaving the house, her school, her friends. She feels like she is leaving George behind and I certainly understand that. Her entire conscious memory of George is in this house. Her tears really pained me, her thin little shoulders were heaving and I could feel how she was crying from the inside out. I accept that I can’t do anything about this, that she has to grieve and its going to take a long time. But, oh, how I hate this helpless feeling. I’ve done everything I can think of to support her during this awful time, and I think a lot of what I’ve tried has helped. But time is what its going to take to make her feel better, and I can’t make it move any faster.
The move is looming. Everyone in this house has been sick and we’ve been sort of laying around trying to recover, but now its time to really get moving with the preparations. I dread it. Time to face the hardest stuff, George’s stuff, and there’s no getting around it.
We’re coming to Atlanta for Lily to take part in Emily Dodson’s wedding. She will be the flower girl. So I’m going to be in town from the June 19th through the 27th. The wedding is the 26th. We want to see some people! I need some fun in my life. So if you want to get together, let me know.
Not a lot left to say right now.
I miss George.
I’d give a lot to talk to him, just for an hour or so. I miss his counsel and his outlook these days, and I think too much about all that he is missing and all that I feel robbed of. I’m in the deep grind of grieving. It drags on, and so much has happened in the world since George’s death. So many new things to absorb and focus on.
Still, I wake up each day surprised that he’s really gone, and shocked that there’s no getting him back.
In these past months I’ve felt in some ways his death acquainted me more deeply with joy… Sadness accentuates your appreciation of good things. But loneliness is exhausting, and right now, alone in the night (his favorite time,) I’m tired, and grateful… Sad and hopeful…
Confused by all that has happened, I suppose.
But not giving up.
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{ 10 comments }
Lisa,
Your words touch my very core especially as you describe Lily’s sadness…I choked up. You are sooo strong!
Lisa once more you’ve made me sob, for you and for Lily. I can’t even conceive of what this must be like for you, when I think of my own Lily and her connection with her Daddy (we also do the bed snuggle thing, such a special time!). I really have no words but agree with Joy that you are SUCH a strong and amazing woman. Just what this little lady needs in a mother to help her grow into an equally strong adult. I’m one of those people that believes, right or wrong, that those who pass do watch over her and that George would be immeasurably proud of you both. I know you’re tired and confused (such understatements, both, I’ll bet!). It must be impossible to see any rhyme or reason with any of this. Please know you are touching people’s souls around the world, and you are in so many prayers. Blessings to you both, and may the move be a positive thing. Enjoy the wedding…with the time difference from the USA to Australia it equates to my son’s birthday so I will raise a glass to you and hope you’re letting your hair down a little. Lord knows you deserve it!
Michelle and family, Sydney – Australia xxx
Michelle,
Australia is Lily’s “favorite continent.” She says it all the time and is obsessed with Bindi, wallabees (?), kangaroos, etc. She regularly walks around the house with a stuffed kanga in the waistband of her pants. She knows a lot about your land! Maybe we will meet sooner than you think, since I want to take her there one day soon. Thanks for the support. xoxo
I’ve been wondering about you. I hope your terrible cold goes away quickly, so you can energetically pack and prepare for your new home in the mountains. Love to you and Lily.
Wish I could be in Atlanta to help you have fun. Perhaps when you get to Asheville…. Hang in there. We are all thinking of you,
Life will never be the same for you + Lily. You will always miss George and never stop thinking of him–that’s just the way it is.
To accept this often seems like letting go, or denying what you had together; in reality we can’t say “NO” to what life brings our way.
The what ifs, the IF ONLYs, THE WHY, why WHYs???
No person should have to bear this type of grief and pain; there’s nothing fair or just about this special brand of misery.
Why that night, that pilot, that trip…
Against all odds, you lost George.
Lily is your comfort, your piece of George, and to watch her suffer must be pure hell.
Why can’t you lift this up off of her?
Why must a child suffer so unreasonably?
Why do we love?
How is it you had this one in a million man in your life, not once, but twice???
And fate has snatched him from your loving arms, and brought a cloud of lonliness and pain in its infernal wake?
The second time was your gift from the universe, gave you Lily and took away George.
No way can you rationalize or understand this, Lisa. It just is.
And I hate that this has happened to you and Lily and everyone to whom George meant so much…
You must be so weary–the energy taken by trying to be strong, to hang on for Lily…then you must see her in wretched pain…
Keep on keeping on–I couldn’t tell you WHY, it’s just what “we” do as human beings.
Walk in LOVE and embrace all that is good in your lives.
XO
Margaret
Margaret,
George and I did have an interesting story… apart for 16 years, then back together and having Lily. We always said that she was my “last good egg.”
I was 43 when we had her… just a few days from 44 when she was born. I have not talked about this before, but I had had a miscarriage when we were together the first time. It was early, and we really had just barely realized I was pregnant before I wasn’t. The timing was wrong for us then, and though I was very sad at the time, I felt it was not meant to be.
As the years passed though, I did feel a big loss about that child. I was married, I was happy. But I did want a child and the situation wasn’t right for me to have one. I never did in my first marriage, though I did have the wonderful experience of having Sara live with us.
When we got back together and had Lily, George told me he always thought we were meant to have a child together and thought many times about it over the years we were apart. Strange, and romantic.
It’s our little story, everyone has one, but I’ve always thought in our romantic little world that Lily was destined to be born. And once I got to know Lily it was easy to believe she was a spirit who was meant to come into the world. George believed she was our masterwork, and when she was a baby carried her into restaurants sitting up with her face out for the world to see, big grin on his face. He was so proud, I had to remind him she wasn’t the only child in America, and other people would like to talk about their own kids. He didn’t care if he seemed nutty, he said, he was nutty about her. He poured himself into her in more ways than I can count, and as Lily grew I started to see how much like him she was.
Every night we hold hands and talk to George, just say goodnight and we miss you, that sort of thing. Last night she said, “Dad, I watched the Barbie Diaries and one of the girls had a clear guitar.” I asked, “Do you wish he could see that, hon?” “He knows what I mean,” she said.
I’m sure he does.
I so feel wanting to talk to a person ONE more time…
Once again I am choking up with tears. You amaze me with your strength. I can’t even imagine how our world would be turned upside down if anything happend to my husband. So to hear about your daily struggles, I must put in place what is most important. That would be our love as a family. Thanks for your post, it teaches me to realize to cherish every day with my family. My heart goes out to you and Lily and so wish I could just snap my fingers and bring some peace to you both. I’m sure its going to take more than just a snap.
Take care of that precious little one and continue to be strong for the both of you. Have a blast in ATL the city that George loved so much.
???
The Edwards family
don’t know what with the ??? they were suppose to be hearts
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