Lily the Viking, after seeing "How to Train Your Dragon" today.
It’s been a while since I shared my feelings, mostly because I have trouble acknowledging them myself. There have been a torrent of bad dreams and dark thoughts. I can be laughing and at the same time thinking how sad it all is, and how much I miss George.
Lily’s moods are changeable, and it is difficult to know how she’s feeling, too. She mentions George a lot, always with her sad little smile, and each time it stops my heart. Today she said, “he was a funny and a honey,” and I can’t think of a better description. We miss how much he made us laugh.
We’re a bit closer to the house becoming a reality after many setbacks. Zoning, permits, changes to the plan, septic nightmares and many other issues have caused delays. Shirley is becoming more and more anxious for us to move as she is no longer content living in solitude as she has for so many years. It seems the loss of George has made her feel too alone. I told my mom today that the move to Asheville feels to me like what the trip cross country must have felt like to the pioneers, a faraway dream only realized after many, many hardships.
Sara and I are pledging to dive back into preparation for the move after a few weeks of sliding. I keep waiting for it to get easier to go through George’s things and it never does, so I’m going to try to plow through some things this week. I make no promises. Every time I start on his closet I feel like it is the day after he died and I am devastated. No amount of will can change that feeling of loss.
I try very hard not to dwell on any feelings of anger or resentment that I have surrounding our situation, and for the most part I succeed. What lingers is the sense of having lost not just my husband but a large part of myself. I miss George, and I miss who I was when I was with him. He brought out the best in me, and sometimes these days I feel my best is buried deep inside. I feel fragile. Not up to much. Sort of bashed about.
Over Easter we went to Philadelphia to visit Lorna, Walter and Eli. Lorna and I have been friends for almost 30 years. I hadn’t seen her since the Atlanta memorial, though she lives just 60 miles away. I just haven’t been up to it. We had a good time, with her spending one night at the hotel with us where we stayed up late and talked and then turned out the lights and talked some more. It was sad, being there without George, but we got through it, and we laughed and toasted him, and everyone looked sad at different times during the trip.
I figure that is what a lot of our future will look like.
Some happy times that make us sad, when we remember how it used to be.
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{ 2 comments }
Lisa,
We love when you you can write & Post, but you can only do what you can do. Don’t give your self a hard time about ANY of it.
I was thinking. I know you are trying to get rid of a lot, but what if you went through a closet and just threw a bunch of his best, most worn clothes clothes into a box ‘To go through later’- when you can experience it. 6 months is still fresh- and has the ability to sting you without a moments notice.
Thinking about you. We love ya. Want to make a plan to see you.
xo
Ruth
I’m glad y’all got out for a road trip, and glad for all of you that the move and new houses are a bit closer to reality. What you carry with you, whether physically or emotionally, is important stuff…but a bit of new light on things will help as well. I’m praying that your transition to the new location goes more smoothly from here on out. Hugs, B
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