I’m staying at my parent’s house with my dad and sister, Lily and our many pets while my mom gets a hip replacement. I find it stressful to be away from my home ever since George died. I find myself missing my bed, my house, and of course, my husband. Any time I change my routine I feel the loss more acutely.
Another thing that is causing me stress — people keep dying. A friend’s father died today. It’s hard to explain, but each time someone dies, George feels just a bit farther away. Each time I hear of someone passing away I feel the loss profoundly and I worry so much about the person’s loved ones. Life seems so fragile, and no matter how many ways I’ve thought about George’s death I still have trouble accepting and believing it is true.
So I’ve been deep in thought, and probably pretty depressed these past few days. All the hate mongering about the health care bill is dragging me down, too. After what we’ve been through, I just don’t understand people threatening others with death. Over the health care bill.
With all of the obvious things to feel down about, I’m searching for things to feel hopeful about. There are a few things that are constant.
Lily.
She’s really growing up, and already champing at the bit to fall in love. She’s boy crazy. The new game she “made up” at school? “Girls Chase the Boys.” Lily is in charge of participants, and she only allows three girls, but all boys are welcome… Hmmm.
She came home a couple of days ago, starry eyed. “Guess what happened today?” she asked. “What?” I was preoccupied, as usual. “Isaiah and I put some things away on the bottom shelf.” She stood looking expectantly at me. “And?” I asked. “Mom,” she whispered. “When we leaned down, our lips… were… really… close!”
Good grief.
She’s raring to go! I remember Sara, who even in high school was so shy. A boy in our neighborhood liked her, and he knocked on the door all the time. She would hover in the door, body blocking him from coming in, jittery and freaked out that he was coming over. One night, I walked over and swung the door open wide. “Come on in, Michael,” I said. Sara shot me the look of death. “Sara is bored out of her mind, take her to the movies!” Thus, Sara had her first date, totally against her will, and she never forgave me. Something tells me Lily is going to be a lot different.
I’m also still excited about moving, though the slow pace is killing me. I’m a person who makes up her mind and then acts. By choosing to build the house I’ve made it impossible to move right away. Its probably good for me to slow things down, but boy, I hate it.
Sara is still gone, in Tuscaloosa for her grandmother’s funeral (another of many recent deaths.) I miss her. Lily misses her. I’ll be glad when she comes back because I really still need the support. Lily and I have missed one day of school and been late once since she left. Out of three days. So all of you who tell me how well I’m doing take note, I’m still wildly under-performing and I think daily about other widows with children and wonder how they cope. I feel like at any given moment I could just lay down and stay down. Oh, and whoever decided second graders need daily homework, I really would like to know what your problem is. I would like that person to try to get an ADD plagued child to do math one hour after getting home from school. Many days I literally carry the page around and try to get Lily to do a problem wherever she lands in the room, then sit back until she lights again, and shove the paper in her face.
Thank God we have insurance coverage and I have therapists who are helping me deal with everything and helping Lily, too.
I added up George’s hospital bills and it was about 1.5 million dollars.
Our COBRA payment is over $800 a month.
In two and a half years, we’ll lose that coverage, and it will be another year and a half before the pre-existing condition clause kicks in and guarantees someone will insure me.
Anyone who thinks that people without health care should pull themselves up by their bootstraps consider this: I have had coverage all my life and paid dearly for it. I had a business and insured my employees and their families until the high cost of providing benefits basically closed us down. George had a corporate job, and we opted for (and paid dearly for) the best coverage they offered. Even with all of that, I am facing being uninsured. If he had lived, his bills would easily have topped 3 million dollars. Since his accident occurred at work, workman’s comp covered it. But it could have been a car accident, and if it had been, we would have been bankrupted. We are all just an accident or major illness away from ruin. That is just unacceptable. My situation has forced me to think deeply about every individual’s vulnerability in this area. It’s sobering, and scary, and makes me worry about our future.
I guess much of what I am going through is facing my own mortality. Yep, I’m going to die. It’s so not fair. I used to constantly say, “Life is long… I’m looking for things to do.”
Strangely, I still feel that way. Looking for things to do, and hoping for the best.
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{ 6 comments }
yeah my husband and I have worked for ourselves instead of a corporation with benefits the entire 22 years we have been married. our health ins. premiums were over $36,000 last year with just marginal covereage and a high deductible and when we try to change companies, no one will write us a new policy without a ton of exclusions based on having seen the doctor once for a questionable mole or having had a minor problem with a shoulder 3 years ago, etc. they don’t want individuals and when they write them, they take you for a lot of money and give you minimal coverage in return. it is the main cost for our family, over and beyond the cost of a home, car, private school or anything else. It keeps us down.
I love that you are still hopeful in spite of everything. And stop measuring yourself by others, you are doing just fine doing what you are doing. I know you don’t think that, but you are doing well. If you really get to New Orleans this year, let me know ahead of time and I will email my phone number and meet you if you have time. Take care of yourself, Lily needs you and so does the world.
I’ve been following your website and have hesitated writing to you because of the sorrow that I feel for you and your daughter and because of the pain that I have myself. I knew George. I worked with him when the lab was SmithKline. I was part of starting up the aviation department at SmithKline. Ed Saulvester and I, mostly Ed, worked very hard in establishing the air fleet and we were very proud to have George as our Chief Pilot. Ed was George’s manager until he retired and then I managed the aviation department before it reported to “corporate”. While I was the manager, I worked with all of the aviation employees – the pilots, mechanics and dispatcher. I was so amazed at their dedication, job knowledge and attention to detail. Their expertise and especially the guidance of George enabled this department to run smoothly and provide service to thousands of patients each and every night. Each time I visited the hanger at Briscoe Field, I was more and more impressed that George and his team made the best out of a very difficult job. There were many nights that I flew with our pilots.
continuing . . . . .
I was so confident in our pilots and mechanics when flying with them, that I would actually “nap” on the way to our destination. They were truly professionals and I trusted them, especially George. During these times at the lab, we were fortunate that all of the aviation staff were employees of SmithKline. None of them were contract employees. That way we had control over their training and work requirements. George made sure that everyone did their job and did it “by the book”. George was a “detail” man and that’s why he was perfect for the job. He would analyze and analyze and analyze situations (almost to the point of exhaustion), but when he was finished, you knew that the best decision was going to be made. When SmithKline was purchased by Quest, things changed. I changed positions in the lab by moving from Logistics to Sales. Management of the aviation department changed and decisions were made that George probably didn’t like. I’m sure decisions were made by corporate that helped the lab financially, but probably didn’t leave the aviation team feeling good. I didn’t get to see or speak to George much after the lab was purchased by Quest. He did stop by my office one day and most of the conversation was about his family. He was very proud of you! I am so saddened by the loss of George. It continues to eat at my heart. I don’t understand why he was the one to go. I know that he was an expert pilot and I know that he lived a good life. I, too, am anxious and curious about what really happened that night. It won’t change things, but hopefully it will help all of us understand and be able to forgive. Forgiveness will help us all move forward. I can’t imagine all of the feelings that you and your daughter are going through. I pray that you will get stronger every day. I pray that your memories of George will comfort you. Be strong and continue to love.
Hi Ann,
Thanks for your comments. Yes, things did change after Quest took over. George didn’t like some of the changes, but he always felt his own skill could overcome any issues the changes caused. Unfortunately, this wasn’t true in the end.
I appreciate you writing about how good George was at his job. I worry that people might think he was sloppy or reckless while flying when he was anything but, and I would like his memory to be untainted by such things.
Lily and I are working hard to get on an even keel, but it is difficult. George brought so much fun and light to our lives that everything seems diminished without him.
Thanks again, and keep in touch.
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for blogging your truth and your days. Doing so will help someone else, for sure.
I want you to know that all of us widowed people raising small children are wondering the same thing. There isn’t really a trick to it, it’s just plain hard, but it does get easier.
I can’t remember if you’re on my FB but friend me there (Supa Freshwidow, they wouldn’t let me use my “real” fake name!) for info on grief and kids and discussion things several times a week via status updates. There is a great program on PBS tomorrow about Families and Grief that your daughter might appreciate watching, too. Lots of details on my FB page about that, more later today after I see the preview.
I wish I had a magic wand, but this is the best I have: you’re not alone, and like most of us, you will survive and PROBABLY even feel pretty good someday. Sounds like you’re taking good care of yourself, but please let me know if I can connect you with resources or peers, they can be a HUGE help!
hugs to you and your sweetie pie.
Supa
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