No Love Lost

Today Lily finally had her Valentine’s Day party at school. The three feet of snow we’ve gotten have kept her home since last Wednesday, so today was the first chance they had to celebrate. Parents were invited to the party, and though I really just wanted to couch surf all day, Sara convinced me to go.

I’m glad I did, but it was harder than I expected. George liked to go to Lily’s school stuff. Late to the fathering game, he relished any opportunity to be a part of Lily’s life, and went happily to birthday parties and school functions. So when we got there, I was suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of loss. I wasn’t prepared. Scanning the room, I saw that Lily had a sad little smile on her face, and as I watched her I realized that she was missing him too. She very seriously and quietly gave out her valentines and then sat silently in her chair. The other kids were buzzing around, exclaiming over their candy and cards, and she sat looking reflective, solemn.

Its been sort of a hard day. It started when she went next door, as is her custom, to walk with our neighbors to the bus. She forgot the special valentine she had made for the boy she likes, Isaiah, and Sara ran after her to give it to her. When Sara got to the neighbor’s door and knocked, it swung open and Franchesca, Lily’s friend, burst into tears and cried, “You can come in, because Toasty’s dead!”

Toasty was their dauschund mix, an obnoxious but much loved little dog who barked constantly. He got hit by a car in front of the house. Both Franchesca and her brother John were in tears. Lily stood helplessly by. She told me later, “I did shed a tear when they told me.”

At the school party Lily was very proud of Sara. I heard her telling a little girl that Sara was her sister. I missed some of the conversation, but I heard her say, “She’s my mom’s first husband’s daughter. My half step sister.”

“Huh?” said the little girl.

“A previous relationship,” said another girl. “People have lots of relationships.”

Don’t want to know what’s going on in that kid’s life.

“So you have the same dad?” asked the first little girl. “No,” Lily answered quietly. “My dad’s dead.”

My heart thumped. Poor Lily. I wonder how often she has to tell people about George, and what they say back to her. I realized how hard it probably is for her to go to school each day and socialize. I’ve been avoiding social activities, mainly because I don’t want to answer a lot of questions. Lily doesn’t have that luxury.

Anyway, I got through the party by the hardest, came home, and collapsed. Sara carried on, taking Lily on errands and getting her dinner. While I licked my wounds they picked up some flowers and a card for the neighbors and dropped them off, then brought some to me. Sweet girls.

While we were eating our Chinese takeout, Lily looked at me and suddenly said, “I had a moment of love today.”

“Really? When?” I asked.

“When Isaiah put his arm around me for the picture,” she said sweetly. “I never had that happen before.”

My heart lurched. She has so much ahead of her. So many exquisite, beautiful experiences. She has a big heart and big dreams, and her life is going to be very full and dramatic, I think. She’s got a lot of love to give and if George is gone she’s going to look around for somewhere to put it all. I hope she finds people who will return her feelings and treat her well.

As for me, I’m feeling a bit better tonight, but I miss George more than ever. Life as a single parent is settling in in earnest, and its a heavy emotional load. I was so secure in George’s commitment I never really thought about parenting alone. Just figured he’d be around to share it with me.

So now we’re settled in, watching Jurassic Park Three and thinking our own thoughts. Lily will get up tomorrow and soldier on through school once again. I admire her strength. Sara and I will continue to get ready for the move.

And everyone, in their own way, will think about better days, when we had George.