Hanging out with Daddy...
I’m learning a little more about what “It takes time,” really involves. It’s just living day by day and trying to calmly observe the death of your former way of life while keeping your head and heart in check.
It’s a daily grind, moving toward the time when you’re not totally consumed with grieving. Here are a few of the things I’m doing to deal with the death of my husband:
- Working toward organizing the house for sale and George’s placing George’s belongings appropriately.
- Finding therapists for me and for Lily.
- Working with Lily’s school to survive the second grade (the principal says she notices a definite personality change.)
- Struggling with various entities to organize benefits, life insurance and to collect George’s belongings after his death. (Still haven’t found his wedding ring, which haunts me daily.)
- Helping my parents and sister Nancy get ready to move.
- Supporting Shirley in her grief.
- Keeping myself off of the couch (Where I am right now.)
- Accepting George’s absence, realigning my hopes and dreams, trying not to settle every future plan on and around Lily, believing, believing, believing in myself, in a better future, that good things are in store…
So I’m just moving through each day with all of these responsibilities in mind.
Just walking around in the world, or even hanging out in the house forces you to face your grief every moment.
Sometimes I feel like this is the work of the universe after a tragedy, to help you accept. I went to the doctor with Lily yesterday where we both had checkups. I left with a new anti-depressant, she with new prescriptions for her sleep medications. Better life through pharmaceuticals!
Bonding
Lily was really anxious to interact with the doctor. She misses male attention, that is obvious. She showed the doc a letter she had written to Sara on the computer at school. She told him all about various things that have happened at school, and asked his opinion on a recent controversy: Kids had been assigned to read four books a month for five months and then will participate in an ice cream party. Because of our troubles, Lily missed reporting on her books one month. So she won’t get to go to the ice cream party, along with two or three others who also failed to bring in reports. The kids who completed the reading’s names are in the second grade newsletter. This is bugging Lily, and infuriating Sara.
Lily asked the doctor what he thought about it all. He was appropriately horrified and offered to write a note to the principal. So sweet. But what I really felt during the exchange was how acutely she missed George, her champion in all these sorts of issues. He was the one she turned to when she wanted to gauge the fairness of any situation and his opinion ruled. Even though I’ve weighed in on this situation, she wanted to know what a male role model thought about it. The doctor disapproved. Guess I’ll give the principal a call today…
The days run together, and time passes. Yesterday was the fifth month since he passed away. After my bath last night I had two wet towels to hang. I always jam them side by side on “my” towel rack. It’s always a struggle to get them to fit on the rack together. I eyed George’s rack. It’s bigger. It was empty because we washed the towel that was hanging there and put it in with all of our other towels after he died, after a little conversation about whether that was okay.
I walked over to the rack. I stood there. It was dusty on top since it’s been empty for a while. I was surprised by the amount of dust that has settled there. Has it been that long? My arms felt paralyzed. I slowly raised them and hung my towel on the rack. I had a sense of crushing guilt, but I needed the rack, right? He’s gone, right? He wouldn’t mind me using the rack, I’m sure, but It hurt to use it anyway.
So life has a way of taking you where you need to go. It just does, whether you’re ready for it now. I read somewhere that time is a river, and it really is… it flows across you and it will drown you if you don’t do your part to stay about the surface.
I posted a while ago lamenting the pain of moving through the time required to get to a point where I feel more normal, less on red alert, closer to my normal self. I can see and accept now that my part in this tragedy is to continue to live, and do all the things the living do.
Get up, mother Lily, plan a life, move forward. I’ll spend a big part of my time thinking of George, because he deserves to be remembered and because he’s a part of me that will never die or fade away, really. I see him in Lily’s face, in everyday objects. I feel him next to me in our bed. I remember him when I observe the doctor’s obvious enjoyment of Lily’s company during our visit yesterday. George is still here in my life. Not being able to physically touch him, or talk to him face to face is agony, but his spirit and energy is bolstering me and keeps me from despair as life flows slowly forward.
It’s another huge gift from him, and once again I realize how very much I loved him and all that he brought to my life.
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{ 4 comments }
you have a plan and that’s great! it’s all part of “living” and trying to move forward! We, all your cyberspace pals are cheering you on, as you move through time and space, and finally as you get to that next “step”. whatever that is and whenever that happens is under your control. I bet if you follow your heart (not worrying about “should I have done this, did I do that, what if, etc.” you’ll do “right” by George. Grief is a strange thing, everyone comes through it differently, some don’t really feel it for years and some feel it for what seems like years… You are doing whatever is best for you and Lily and that’s all that matters…and seeking help if you need it is THE BEST for sure. Hang in there…Hugs.
Wow again…..Tell Lily she did a great job of reading and let her have a ice cream party. She could also write a letter to the teacher (which she should NOT have to) and say I will read a book a month to make up for it. How cruel for the school to not allow her to attend. You mydear are so strong….yes George would love to have you use his towel rack. I feel the peace in your heart doing that and I hope it brought a closeness to you. One thing you could do with old Tshirts and I’m sure he had alot of them is make a quilt for Lily and you to snuggle under when ever you need to feel him with you. Take care of yourself and Miss Lily. You both amaze me .
Becky
If they don’t let her attend the ice cream party, you should take her out to lunch that day and make sure you get her ice cream. This should be excused by the school most definitely.
George’s ring just might be in the hospital safe.. when Dad had his severe auto acident in ’06 they would not let me claim his items until he was able to say it was o-kay.. they still tried to refuse me for Mother at that time with her new daignosis,(sorry spelling), of vascular dimentia could not tell them what he had in his wallet.. I finally obtained his items and his teeth from their safe when they allowed Dad to awaken from his 17 day coma…I even held health care power of attorney and power of attornery for both of them.. when they finally brought me Dad’s things from the safe.. I was asked certain ?’s.. I told them what he might have in his wallet.. and I knew if he had less then 1,000 cash then the moths would soon be flying.. for he like his male family here like cash and had to assist their employees’ too many times out of jail for their monies went to parties and madness….. they were still unsure of handing it over to Mom and I insured them someone hurt my Mom they go thru me.. So, ask the hospital and tell them you were not clear of all of your husband’s effects and now ,it has been five months and you would like his items: expecially his wedding band, out of their safe unless they have already sold them of which they can do here in good old North Carolina.. a very backwards state…Unless, it had with his massive burns had melted into his finger.. ask them for all records, meaning: nursing notes, doctors’ procedures, all files of which you are entitled to..
Also, you might want to cancel his classmate article.. He had looked at my address two months before his accident.. this is a cost of 15/30 a few months and year.. seems like he was trying to contact his old class.. If you need the address let me know and I’ll forward my contact to you so you can be delivered free of this charge.. By the way, he looked but never contacted me, next thing I knew I heard of the accident….. These are lessons I am learning with my parents and their health and upcomming deaths.. Dad was very, very fortunate with his auto accident and we are very lucky to have him here today.. I have learned how to fight many devils off when it comes to their care. After all, during their times I was caring for Dad’s Mother and my father-in-law passed six months after getting Dad home from his car crash.. Grandmother was a few months before at 100.. so be hit by four at one time and many different hospitals at one time…. many miles away
Mother’s deminta becomming worse.. Yet Mom looks like mustard gas hit her ass.. sores, she can’t walk, won’t talk , has to be treated like a child, dress and bath her. Can’t get assistance for her for medicare doesn’t think live threatening.. Dad just went yesterday for dye catscan think liver, kidneys or chron’s back since auto accident.. so see,yes we made it last year thru one home on my b’day and rushing the next to hospital, rush one dear.. but yes smile, shoulders back and grin.. people will wonder what is on your mind…best med.. while smiling shoulders back… just think of all those assisting you naked!! LAUGH.. works wonders..
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