The Warrior at Rest...
Well, today, two days short of five months since George died, I hit a new bottom.
Not sure why it happened today exactly, but suddenly, sadly, I felt anger rise up and overtake pain. It is unbelievable to me that the world just keeps moving along at its usual pace. People live their lives and I don’t blame them, but here in my home it can feel like we’re slowly drifting toward despair.
Today, after a particularly trying email exchange for me (still trying to get things straightened out in my financial world,) Lily decided to have a tantrum. I just didn’t have it in me to coo her through it, so it got mean. We got into a big fight and it ended with me dragging her to the stairs for a time out that consisted of her continuing to bait me from her high perch while I responded to her taunts with rejoinders like, “You’d better watch it. I’m really getting mad.” (Woo hoo! Scary Mommy!)
The thing is, I was so mad. Except to babble about her pending punishment, I ignored her completely. My anger wasn’t in any way directed at her, she just happened to be around when it got the better of me. She continued trying to prevail while I sat there, heart racing, ears pounding, shocked and furious out of my mind that we are in this awful situation.
How did it happen?
Let’s face it, with all that can go wrong in life we’re all lucky to be here. There have been several times when I looked back and realized how close I’d come to a tragedy. This time we didn’t skate by disaster, we embraced it full on. The worst has happened and it goes against my world view. Our family endures.
We don’t crash and burn.
I have been so lucky in this life. I haven’t gotten every single thing I’ve wanted, but I’ve gotten some of the big things right and I know how fortunate I am. We have a tendency to be depressed in my family, got a serotonin issue, but I seem to be able to bounce myself out of the lows. I know that talent will continue to serve, and that the way I feel today is probably a mixture of exhaustion, sadness and creeping resignation. Hope dies hard, and it hurts like hell. Today is a low point.
I’ll rally.
But, still… I’m so damn mad.
Every day I wake up, I think about George being dead.
Every few hours, no matter what I’m doing, I’ll suddenly think of him and a lump forms in my throat.
I look at Lily and a hole opens up under my heart and all the suppressed disappointment slides in and forms a hard knot. Usually I sleep all of it off and even if I’m not functioning well in the morning I find a little reserve of hope.
Today… no reserve.
I’m tired.
Tired of the harsh, rough people I keep encountering “post disaster.” There are lots of great ones, but the ones who seem snide, dismissive or resentful at having to deal with our needs can suck the soul right out of you.
I’m tired, for God’s sake.
Tired of pushing down fear, anxiety and horror.
So tired.
So I’m going to bed.
Hope I can get up in the morning, hope I can harness my talent for finding the humor in things and laugh a little tomorrow. Lily is already conked out (we hugged and made up.)
I know I’ll be okay and that lots of good things are in store, its just right now I sort of don’t care. I want him back. I want Lily to be unscathed. I want to feel that feeling I had when I was with George, a mixture of satisfaction and security topped with giddy happiness. I miss him.
Across the room, sweet Lily is dead asleep. She looks like an angel, not the little provocateur she was this afternoon. Tomorrow, she’ll get up and tackle another day. She may try to tackle me, too. I understand her anger, and I welcome it. Rage is a natural reaction to what has happened in our lives, and if it makes her feel better to take it out on me I’ll try to handle it better next time. But nothing underscores our loss like facing her anger without George, who could soothe her with a look and had a way of pulling the plug on discord before it took root. We need his level head in this churning environment, and tonight just remembering him as peace keeper isn’t quite enough.
Sleep should help.
Time will help.
Living will help.
But a day with George, just a normal day with him in the world, would help a lot more. The whole damn thing just pisses me off.
Sara just came down and said, “You are so cute,” to the bunny. “Oh thanks, sweetie,” I answered, and we got a good laugh out of that. Don’t worry. I’m gonna keep on truckin’. Night night, kind friends.
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{ 29 comments }
Love You Lisa !!!! You are amazing..Thanks for sharing !!!I’m PISSED TOO ..for You..and Lily !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Rach
XO
Thanks. I’m better this am, as I hoped. Long, long day yesterday.
I wish I had words to say to make you laugh, cuz laughter truly is THE BEST medicine. I know it’s understandable, expected that you go through these emotions….. Lily too. Getting it off your mind is surely one way to begin diffusing it all. I hope you find sleep and I have NO DOUBT you will again soar out of the depths of where you are right now as you write this….cuz the Lisa Roach I knew I HS, always ALWAYS had a smile and something funny to say. I mostly remember the pigtails.
Oh, those pigtails! The refuge of the curly headed! Thanks, Joy.
Good Nite Lisa! Got a chuckle out of the bunny thing! hang in there! Welcome to a new stage of grieving! This stage is not very pleasant but it is progress! Sweet Dreams!
She didn’t see me sitting there so she jumped when I answered her.
Enjoyed reading this, Lisa. Be pissed. You’re allowed. It’s a pisser on so many levels. As you said a while ago, your life is over. Your new life rolls on. That’s just so unfair. And that sometimes makes you — and me — angry.
Having this happen is humbling. Before an accident happens it feels sort of like things like this don’t occur because of some quality you or yours has… and of course that’s not true. Stuff, as you know, happens to everyone, and sometimes its bad stuff. Just so maddening! Today’s a better day, though. Hope we all have lots of great days ahead.
OOH. Cliches are so tiring, but Lisa, dear, anger is part of the process. You already bargained, you already denied, and now, baby girl, you are (rightfully so) MAD AS HELL.
You are (and should be) tired of everyone saying “it will be OK” “this is natural”, “But you have so much for which to be grateful”, “George would want you to_____ and ____.” “You have to be strong for Lily/Sarah/Shirley.” Forget it. You deserve to feel the way you feel–even if the way you feel changes like the weather…
I’m not much of one to recommend (what we called in alcohol treatment) “group pukes”. but I do think there is benefit from being around others who are going through similar struggles–check around, even if you only go to a few meetings–there is so much we can learn from others…
Keeping on keeping on–I can’t tell you why–it’s just what “we” do.
BIG LOVE,
Margaret.
THE H-E-double hockey sticks with all that jive.
You hurt, you’re in pain, and watching Lily suffer magnifies it all.
ACK! You have been robbed of your life, your dreams for the future, the love of your life, your best dam* friend!!!
THE PITS!
What happened to that security blanket known as your lives spent together….
THAT HURTS–24/7/365. This creeps up on you at any given moment.
After my mom died I broke down one day in the Behleek china department @ Marshall Fields–oh, that was lovely. Not a hankie in sight.
I am no damn expert, but maybe Lily needs some attention/direction/activity from another sector–does she like to dance? Is there a gym class? Is there a girl’s hockey team where she can physically run off this energy, pain and fear???
Somewhere that maybe the event is semi-non George related. Self defense classes, karate?? Basketball?
Something to tire her out + let her vent.
(I’d suggest the firing range, but that’s where I’ve always wanted to go…. KA POW!)
GIRL SCOUTS???
You have been through nightmare after nightmare.
Yes, “it” will ebb—someday.
Meantime–let it rip.
My God, your worst fears have come true, your loss is immeasurable + life long.
Yes, time heals–but now we’re talking about NOW. Today! This is urgent stuff.
I guess my suggestion is to fine an activity that is all Lily’s, where she can kind of get away from the grave + serious matters at hand; perhaps somewhere that she can reveal her losses to HER peers as she chooses and as she needs to do…
I don’t have children, but one thing I know for sure, is PAIN IS UNIVERSAL.
JUST FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL; the one thing in life we CAN control is our thoughts–when you start to sink, recite The Lord’s Prayer, sing Yankee Doodle Dandy–just don’t let your thoughts go ‘THERE’.
You can only do what you can do.
There is no cure for what ails the bereaved, the lonely, the poor or downtrodden…Kindness + good people are where it’s at.
I see you encircled by plenty of both.
“Chunk it out”…We cannot say no to what life brings us; the best we can do is the best we can do.
You don’t have to be SUPER-MOM; just be Lisa, the woman everyone loves. Your identity has for sure changed with the loss of the one in a million George–however, you remain the beautiful, kind, loving woman who will always carry the love of her life in her heart.
George has passed into the other realms of existence, but he will never be “gone”.
Dear Margret,
Very well put!!!! I do not know Lisa, I am a friend of a friend, I posted below you and then read your post….we got there two different ways but said the same thing. Grief is individual, unpredictable, painful, it angers, depresses, and eventually……..one day, it changes, but that is not 5 months after you lose your husband.
I have been with my mother, who lost my dad 4 years ago, for 6 weeks. I am in the process of moving my family in with her. She has the bigger house and can not handle living alone. She married my Dad when she was right out of high school (he was her student teacher) and they were married 49 years and 8 months. Her entire adult life. Just seeing my mother hurting so much four years later is a form of grief for me. I found comfort in my father’s passing, he was 77 years old, I was holding his hand, and he died of a heart attack that was quick, fast, and in a hurry, so he did not suffer for long. Then the biggest comfort was in knowing that MY DAD WAS NOW WITH MY SON!!! I know that sounds selfish but for years I wanted to be with him, and now I know he is o.k. and I can go about the job of raising my new child and family. Please don’t think ille of me for my almost sick thoughts but all I can say is grief can make us do and think some crazy stuff….and you were right not to go to the shooting range…I did
Have a Blessed Day,
Sharon
Sharon and Margaret,
I am working with Lily on some activities. She goes to the school counselor every morning. This is helping some. She is starting up with a one on one tutoring program, and I know she will love this. She is also starting talk therapy with someone next week.
Sara wants her to try karate and we’re looking around for a dojo. (sp?) I pity the fool who gets in her way at Karate class!
Sharon, I do understand what you mean about your dad being with your son. When I was pregnant with Lily, I had horrible cramps early on. George and I were terrified I was going to miscarry (I had a few.) I’m not sure what I think about afterlife, etc, but I do know that when that happened I would always think of my maternal grandmother who had died recently before I got pregnant. Somehow I felt she could help me from where she was. No making sense of how your mind works in these situations, but I did find comfort in the idea that she was watching over me while I was pregnant. And I didn’t miscarry, so maybe she put in a good word, you never know!
Good Night Lisa,
I hope when you read these post in the morning you realize that we do care and we are here for you. When you share your feelings there are friends who are reading your words, sharing your feelings, thinking back in our own lives and sometimes offering words of comfort, sometimes just saying hi, and sometimes just letting you know we love you.
The “new stage” Jeannie is referring to sounds like the Five Stages of Grief first introduced by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969. She confronted dealth and learned how to live and taught many of us how to do the same(although most of her research was with Hospice & for dying children). I think the most important thing I took out of studying some of her works (which by the way I did not think applied to me when I did it, but being a Nurse I was doing it for my job…I sure had a smart head nurse!!) Anyway, the most important think I took out of it was that yes there are stages but they don’t always go:
1. Denial-*Still hitting you sometimes? Why? Why us? Why George?
2. Anger-*you & Lily both had a bout of Anger today
3.Bargining-*But a day with George, just a normal day with him in the world, would help a lot more. 2. *(Anger)The whole damn thing just pisses me off.
4.Depression-*OF COURSE you are depressed you just lost your husband.
5.Acceptance
What I was trying to show you is that there is no one way to grieve, ONLY YOUR WAY HUNNY~~~YOURS AND LILY’S and when you think about it that is all that really counts. But you will encounter those unplesant people who think you should be doing things different. And my response it they can go to hell. Excuse my french!!
Lily will be fine too Lisa but she is missing that person that could put her emotions in check when she was losing them. Just like you. I have raised two children like this, it is hard. One was lost to an accident, the other to divorce, but still a major loss and still the same battles. Hang in there
Have a Blessed, Happy, Fun Day Today, Maybe pack a pic nic lunch and find a place to have a pic nic even if it is indoors (don’t know what your weather is like there).
Sharon
Lisa just wanted to clear up two points and I did not see an edit button and did not want to cancel it b/c it is getting late and I have to bring my mom to the doctor and dog to vet..and kid to school anyway like you said life does go on but not so fast that a friend can not help another grieving friend!!
1. When I listed the five stages I wanted to show you that you do not do one stage then the next but you can do all in a matter of minutes….or you can get through all of them and think you are accepting things and boomb? I quess that is a word. But, the bright side is you will get back up again and again, because you are you! You are strong, smart, caring, loving, and I have never met you !!!!!!! HOW ABOUT THAT!!!!!!
2. The second thing I wanted to clear up was when I said I raised two children dealing with grief, My first son, Casey’s father died before he was born, then as you know he also died when he was 16. The I married too soon after Casey died and it was not a healthy marriage, when I had my daughter, Shannon, now 12…I know I had to get her out of that relationship. I left her father when she was 9 months old. He was an abusive alcoholic and I was not going to raise her in that hell. So, it was grief, but of a different monster. I know you had read my post about Casey and just wanted to take a minute to clarify.
Again, Have a JOYFUL DAY TODAY! I am and I hope when I log on tonight I can read that you have had a good day too! However, if you have not share anyway, we are here for you!
Sharon
I’m not surprised you jumped quickly into a new relationship, sometimes it feels like having a new obsession to concentrate on would really help. I’m having a new relationship with my new house.
You were lucky to get Shannon out of a bad situation, you sound like a great mom. I do think about your Casey when you post. I can’t imagine losing a child, another unbelievable horror to face. You seem like you have managed to figure things out and are still ticking!
Thanks for your kind words.
(((Lisa)))
(((Lily)))
(((Sara)))
and the (((Bunny))) too!
=(^;^)=
Good for you. That anger you experienced, its you and you have every right to be angry. I remember a very young Lisa at the beginnings of raising a young girl named Sara go on a fabulous tangent about Fear during a Thanksgiving week in Atlanta. Someone said you were scaring her and you got really, really angry. In all that anger you saw more clearly then ever. After all she seems to have grown up into a lovely young woman who loves you dearly, so I guess you weren’t that scary. Though you want to help Lily, kindly and with love, there will be times when you need to get angry with her. You are her mother (like you didn’t know this insight), and she looks to you for guidance and she may just miss the Mom who got angry when she was being a brat. She is not only dealing with the loss of her father, but dealing with the loss of the mother she knew when her father was alive. So anger is good, not all the time, but good. Anger is your new emotion, now you have depression, loss, love, and anger. This will help you get to a place of “normalcy”, hell your whole life has been made upside down. I know this from experience, no not a loss of a husband (that one doesn’t seem to be in the cards), but having lost it all I found a bit of anger helped me get through the crashing depression I was feeling at how to begin over. History, gone, house, gone, life I knew and blissfully lived gone. Where to turn? How to start over? Continue as though it didn’t happen…not an option it happened, you were there (remember I stayed)…you saw the best and the worst and there are visions and feelings that will never go away. Tried to keep positive, tried to do all the correct things, but it wasn’t until I got angry that I began to see where I needed to go and what I needed to do. Dealing with the snide, that angered me the most. How dare they NOT understand! But when I allowed myself to get angry, that’s when I allowed myself to be happy. So get angry, throw a few things against the wall if you need to, put Lily in time out…it’s helping you, I swear. (Just don’t make me have to call the authorities!) Love you and hoping each day will be the day your pain dulls a little.
Heidi, Though its been such a short time since it happened, I think lots of people forget about all that happened to the people of New Orleans after Katrina. You did go through an AWFUL situation, saw the death of your home… I’m sure you did grieve! I feel guilty that I don’t think more about all that people went through after the hurricane. So as a survivor, I’ll take your advice and honor my anger. You seem to be doing okay these days, but I’m sure you still have bad days when you think about what happened to you and yours. Thanks for writing, it does make me feel better. Have a happy Mardi Gras, and say hi to your mom and dem!
This brings great, big, blinding tears to my eyes. Your exhausted,desperate, sad, angry post and your sweet, wise, comforting friends. Boy, oh boy.
Just keep breathing… allow the feeling but don’t feed the fire… just breathe through it. I am ashamed to say something so trite. But, I always fueled the fire and wowee I made some bonfires that were destructive. So, I mean: don’t stuff or ignore the feelings of panic and fury, but try to support yourself lovingly, without building it up. It seems to me you are doing as good a job of surviving, mothering, grieving and preparing as any human could.
Sleep, hikes, massages? So much of (my) processing of emotions is physical. Hiking felt like a way to trick my psyche into believing we (me, myself & I) were moving beyond that particular stage, and it channeled the crazy energy that made me want to do terrible things. Shoulda hiked a LOT more!
That’s why I think Margaret Adams’ suggestions for Lily (karate, etc) are good for you both. Physically express feelings safely. Blogging works that way too, I reckon.
Sorry there are people who seem dismissive, coarse and insensitive. Nobody knows what it is like till they have been there. I find the greatest people have suffered greatly. My friend gave me a book by Pema Chodron called When Things Fall Apart. It is illuminating, if not exactly comforting.
Music. Listen to music that moves your heart. I’m thinking of a tender Kinks song… I’ll have to research it cause I can only remember a fragment right now.
LT
Hi Lenore. I’m going to Asheville next week. I’ll have to go up on the parkway and take a hike. George was a big hiker until (pre-me) he dated a much younger woman who took him hiking one day and then left him the dust (fast, fast walker) and made him feel old. It pissed him off so much he ended up breaking up with her, and I’m glad because she was the last person he dated before he looked me up, stung from a string of loveless relationships. I’m glad she was a fast walker!
I think how we process things might have to do with our emotional maturity and security at the time they happen. I’m so lucky to have backup in my life right now. Sara is wonderful, and Shirley, and of course my family. Having my friends through Facebook is invaluable. I’ve gotten great advice and many big laughs from all of you. It makes me feel much less alone.
Someone should start a business for the grieving and the undertaker should give out cards. I could have used a counselor right from the get-go to apply for insurance, social security, etc. Someone to deal with people who are “just doing their jobs” but whose attitudes sting someone who is going through something like this. Aimee, maybe this is an idea for you! I’ve filled out paperwork with diagrams of the human body that ask me to indicate where his injuries were. Been told to “describe the accident in detail”
, been treated like I’m addled (which, obviously, I am,) and on and on. People probably don’t mean to be cruel, or maybe some do, but its difficult to take when you’re just holding it together anyway and then you encounter one of them. For some reason, certain types of paperwork has been awful for me to complete, and some of it I’ve had to complete three times in a row because its gone missing in bureaucracy. Enough to drive you mad!
Anyway, thanks for responding. The responses do make me feel better. You guys are wonderful.
Lisa,
You are an ass kicker, so of course you are pissed. We would all be pissed and we are pissed for and with you!!! We love you. We love looking at every photo of Lily where she finally surrenders after those fights. Cracks us up every time!!! She is an ass kicker too and it will serve her well in this life.
xox
She’s kicking around right now, taking names over who moved her lip gloss. I pity her future boyfriends. They better take their Flintstone Vitamins and get lots of sleep.
much love and many prayers for you, the little warrior, sara, and the bunny and the dogs…..
Thanks Betsy
Lisa,
Grief has many stages and we are never prepared for any of it. Keep looking at and loving on Lily. She is the result of George’s life-together with you and what a blessing he left to you. Look in her eyes and see George and see God at work in that. He loves you and he understands your anger and frustration. We are continuing to pray for you and Lily-and Kyle as well. Death is an inconvenient visitor that we all must face one day but God didn’t leave us alone. As a Christian, I truly believe God feels our pain FULLY because of Jesus’ death on the cross. But he said that he would never leave you or forsake you and he hasn’t. Sometimes we can’t see him, sometimes we can’t hear him and sometimes all we can do is hold on and remember he IS here with us. He is invisable but always there and he wants you to trust him even in the most challanging circumstances. Sorry for the preachy nature…I’m just trying to convey what I believe and sharing it with you in the hopes that it will be helpful. You are not forgotten out here…;-)
Thanks so much, Bryan. I do appreciate all the comments. It makes things much more bearable. I do see George in Lily every day. I don’t mind a little preaching. Thanks for writing.
GREAT NEWS! You are on your way to recovery. I hope you are even more pissed today. Boy can I ever get a lot done when I am pissed.
Lisa, When reading this I remember those feelings so well. You are on the right track, but I know it seems hopeless at times. This isn’t something one gets over. but over time, you will learn to live with it, and it won’t consume your every fiber. My prayers are with you.
Thanks Jane, you observations and support have helped me a lot over this time. I’m feeling a bit better today. Sometimes its overwhelming and you have to just live with it a little. It’s hard to give in and really feel what you feel, but sometimes its necessary. L
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