The situation in Haiti is making the situation at my house even worse. Everyone is so depressed by what is happening there we can hardly see straight. I’ve been dealing with it primarily by avoiding the television coverage and just reading about it on the computer. Sara and I are gathering up things from the house to send, and Lily is donating toys, so we are trying to do our bit, but oh, the tragedy is cutting just a bit too close to the bone.
Tonight we turned on the telethon, and it only took a few moments for all hell to break loose. As the stories started to unfold Lily got extremely upset. She didn’t understand why rescuers were having so much trouble getting to the victims. It took about five minutes for her to go from being sad about the Haitians to being near hysterical about George.
We went up to bed and cuddled. I tried to get her to imagine I was George hugging her but she said I didn’t smell like him. After about a half hour of crying she finally fell asleep. I went in to talk to Sara, but she was sitting in her bed with tears streaming down her face watching Justin Timberlake sing “Hallelujah.” I beat it out of there.
I guess it was selfish on my part to even attempt to watch the thing, but I really did want to see it. Bad idea. But I need things to do, things to pass the time.
Time. Everyone says it takes time to feel better after a loved one dies. Well, obviously.
If you are one of the approximately two hundred people who have told me that time will help please don’t take this wrong, but how do I get from here to the place where it doesn’t hurt so much? It’s the time that is killing me!
I can project forward in my mind to a day when I’m not thinking about George constantly for a moment, but then I’m right back to now and now feels like we are moving in slow motion. We trudge along. We get up and get Lily off to school, and most days I have to go back to bed I’m so worn out just from that effort. I get up after an hour or so and move out of the bed to couch, where I consider the thousands of things I need to get done. Sometimes I get a few of them done, sometimes I just watch TV.
If we can, Sara and I force ourselves to sort through George’s things. We organize and throw out. We plan. If not, we sit around and talk about how we need to organize, throw out and plan. Getting meals together is difficult. Homework with Lily is exhausting. I’ll suddenly look carefully and wonder when she’s had a bath. When I think of what the Haitians are going through, how few resources they have, I truly don’t know how any of them will recover. It’s inconceivable.
Meanwhile, here in Casa Maddox, it’s been three weeks since we got back from New York and it seems like a couple of months.
Time. It’s a bitch.
At night I concentrate on falling asleep. Sometimes I’m out by 7pm. Those are the good nights. Sometimes I’m still up at 7am.
Around me, things move forward. There was an earthquake in Haiti. Many, many people were killed. I’m trying to get in the swim of things, follow the news, participate in life, but its just weirdly… surreal.
Every now and then I feel happy for a minute, but it doesn’t stick.
So time is moving forward, but its the slowest time of my life and I actually think it is getting slower.
Through all this, I worry for Lily. Physically, she’s a bit of a delicate organism. She’s thin and pale. She has a blood disorder that compromises her immunity and causes her to be anemic. She has trouble sleeping, she has blood sugar issues. She has more personality and will than most people, but physically she’s delicate just the same. So I worry.
George always used to call her Sugarbelle, it was his pet name for her and she loved it. It suited her too, a sweet little girl, but definitely the belle of the ball. If she were Scarlett O’Hara, she’d be right there waving a radish outside of Tara, because she’s a toughie in spirit. I know she’ll get through this eventually, but the time element is working her over too. We’re all just so tired from trying to get to that place, somewhere in the future, where it doesn’t hurt so much. Lily will get there quicker than us, I think, because asking her to stay downhearted is like asking the sun not to shine.
We’ll all get there. It’s just going to take time.
And that’s the problem.
I told myself I was going to stop posting until I had some more positive feelings to report, but after about a week I’m realizing that if I wait for that it might be very long indeed between postings. So I’ll try to keep writing whether things are good or bad, happy or sad, if you guys can stand to keep reading. L
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{ 15 comments }
Keep writing, Lisa. You’re sharing your heart with us, because we care. I don’t know how you do all that you are doing. I think you’re too hard on yourself, expecting that things should be somewhat normal by now. I also think you’re right: maybe it’s best not to watch depressing images, such as the Haiti tragedy.
Love,
Tracey
It was not a good idea. I wanted to watch, because I want to be engaged in the world again, but I knew right away it was going to turn out badly… I just thought maybe I could get away with it.
You are amazing..keep writing..no matter what…I am moved beyond words…
Love You Lisa…
Rachel
xoxo
Lisa, please don’t stop posting. Never having met you, I think of you, Lily and Sara often. I hear songs and think of you. I want to know how you are doing, if you are “ok”- as if that’s really possible right now. It’s funny, this afternoon I was thinking that you hadn’t posted in a while and hoped you hadn’t given up on us.
I can’t ever give you any advice about how to grieve, nor would I ever think to. But your moving journey thru hell teaches us how to manuver thru life’s realities – good and bad. Bless you.
Thanks Lynne. A few people have commented some of the posts are too sad to read and that set me off to thinking, once again, that maybe honesty is not always the best policy in this case. But it always is, isn’t it?
i am wondering are you drunk! good thing possibly! Man some times it just gets bad! Lily will be okay! but how about you! Wish I was closer! I would just drag you out for a good drunk!!! (did i type that!) Man that is what my older sis did for me! and you know what i visited the ceramic goddess all night but that woke me up!!! but the next day i got stug by a red wasp trying to trim the bushes that he so lovingly planted!!!!Man it hurt!!!! but that was the day i realized that i was still alive! Man dont you just get sick & tired of everyone trying to tell you that it is time to get on!!!!!! yea i would love to!!!! is there a pill?! no baby it just takes a lot of time! love to you & Lily & Sarah!!!
Not drunk, too afraid of the aftereffects to go down that road. It does get bad sometimes, though of course we will be okay. I need something to look forward to, that always helps me. So I’m going to plan a trip to New Orleans in May, I think. I miss NOLA, and the Haitian crisis is making me think about the aftermath of Katrina. My poor New Orleans is suffering still.
no one can change the time course of this, and it’s different in every single case. i am blown away by all that you have taken in hand to do. it would be enough just to deal with your loss, or moving you and lily and sarah, or building just one house, but you’re working with the whole clan. how can you not be tired? and while i write this i’m also wondering about your thyroid–sorry, it’s instinctive–but important to remember that the mental and physical are all bound up together.
Good idea. Going to the doc on Thursday, I’ll get it checked. Thanks Bets.
Keep on posting we need to hear from you. You show me how to deal with my own crap in life. If I feel overwhelmed with things I often think about you guys. My little crap can’t compare to yours or to Haiti. Dealing with my mother in laws dementia can be very trying. Having to bath her, change her underwear, repeat myself over and over every day, every minute but ya know what she’s here with me. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Just dealing with my daily struggles. I can’t even imagine your daily struggles. Ya know when I didn’t see post from you I was concerned, so I sent you a facebook message. Your post help so many people focuse on the true things that we need to. Keep writing let out your pain and heart. We are all here for you both.
Kristi just donated all her savings to Haiti last night on the telethon. Yes tell Miss Lily her lifes savings. LOL She had $47 saved and together we donated $100. I feel this is teaching her a great lesson in life. She often ask about Lily and she wants to write her a letter. Kids can handle things alot better than us. I feel your pain and wish I could take it away….but I can’t. Just know that many of people are praying for you. I’m still waiting to read your book one day. My hearts goes out to all of you. That mountain is calling your name and may the move give you some peace after the many hurdles you’ve jumped thru.
Becky
Becky, I’m so impressed with Kristi! What a girl! She sent Lily that package after George died, and Lily said, “How can she know me so well?” Ponies, fairies, barbie and more in a hand decorated box filled made with love. It really made Lily feel better. She is such a kind little girl. You are doing something very right with her, and she is going to be some kind of wonderful woman. Thanks for all the kind words from her mommy too. xoxo
Lisa ~ As I said in my first note to you, even though we’ve never met, I feel in my heart that I’ve always known you,George, Lily & Sara. I look forward to the day I read your post that tells us you are feeling a tiny bit better and by posting you are getting there without even knowing it. I, too, cried the day we lost George and had never met him so I can not even begin to imagine the extent of your pain and hurting but I know that happiness, when shared, multiplies and sadness,when shared, diminishes and that is what you are working on by your posts to us, so keep posting. God bless.
Hi Lisa,
I am sorry you are hurting so much! I know I was one of those people that told you about time, and how in time you will find a place for your pain. And yet it has been 15 years since my son died and yet, I still hurt, some days like it was yesterday that he died…and some days like today, I did not think about him until tonight. Occasionally, I might go a day without thinking about him, but not too often. I can’t even tell you it hurts less, because some days this is true but some days not. It is what it is. It is life and it hurts.
The things that make life worth living and worth continuing to live are friends. The act of sharing our pain with others, taking a risk and letting others know our pain. The risk, that is LIVING!!!!! You are living whether you know it or not and one day you, Lily, and Sara will wake up on the other side and George will be smiling and proud of his family!!
When you come to NOLA, let us know. Jeannie and I are friends and we will team up and make a road trip to come meet a NEW FRIEND!!!
Sharon
keep posting and sad/bad times always feel like a standstill…but time IS passing, and when that day comes when the season of your heart is again spring, you may look back and wonder, WOW, how did we all get through it! and you will see that you DID! It’s being in the darkest of tunnels that skews “time”.
haiti puts a reality on LIFE. tragedy has a way of doing that, making us wake up and appreciate.
Hang in there…J
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