Whew! It’s been brutal few days. That grief coming in waves thing? I’m in deep water right now, on tip toe.
Each day brings a new reminder of George. Yesterday I got home and the light in his study had burned out. He always insisted we leave it on all the time, day and night. He said it was because it was hard to get to the lamp in the cluttered room, but I thought it was because he saw the back of the house as he approached home each night and he liked seeing the light in that window. It was his beacon on the long late nights he was the only person stirring in our dark, quiet neighborhood. So we’ve left it on for these months since it happened. It seemed too sad to just turn it off.
When I saw the room was dark I went in and touched the base of the lamp and it was still hot. I stood there for a moment, thinking what I should do.
I decided not to change the bulb.
George was our light, and its been pretty dark since he went out.
Of course, life goes on without him. Simon the bunny is shedding. A lot. When we got him, George said, “Just don’t get a shedder.” And the breeder told us, correctly, that Simon would shed twice a year. One time is now. He’s like Pig Pen on Peanuts, his little hair cloud following him everywhere. I’ve brushed him out a couple of times, and we got a baseball sized ball of hair from between his ears. While I brushed I set the fur to the side on a paper towel. Every few times I did, Lily would sneak up and grab the wad of fur and dart away. Finally, I asked, “What are you doing with the hair?”
“Why?” she answered. “It’s my bunny! My hair.”
“Yeah, but where are you taking it?” I asked. “Where you can’t find it,” she growled, scampering away up the stairs with another fluffy wad. I found it later in a used sandwich bag, under her pillow. Guess I’ll leave it there. She can take it with her when she goes to college.
So George would have been fascinated by the shedding, as he was with all things related to our animals. Lily thought Simon looked great after his grooming. She walked him around the house. “Prancing with the stars,” I heard her singing. Now that, if you knew George, is a comment just like he would have made. So she got the corny gene, thank god. Cause I was trying to figure out how to describe his sense of humor. I don’t have to, she inherited it.
This weekend Lily said, “I wish they would have said, I’m sorry, he’s gone… and then he would have sat up and put on his shoes and showed them.” This was out of the blue. I agreed with her. “Even if he put his shoes on his butt because his brain was messed up, I wouldn’t care. I just want him back,” she said.
“Do you think of him much?” I asked. “Every single minute,” she said.
I’m sure this unspoken pain explains why she’s having so much trouble dealing with daily life. She’s having a lot of tantrums, asking to skip school, disagreeing with me about everything. Books on grief say kids seek control after a parental death, and she certainly is. I have to think hard to offer choices instead of issued edicts, and laying down the law is just so much easier when your energy is low.
The chaos of argueing and fussing is driving me nuts. So I called the principal at her school and asked for some help and she’s sending Lily for help with her homework every day from now on. Lily came home and said, “I’m so lucky! The counselor really, really likes me. So I get to visit her every day before school! I am the luckiest girl in the world!” What a sweet, “look on the bright side”, adorable little girl.
I’m trying to stick with her, good or bad, happy or sad.
Good advice from Al
Best romance song for me, hands down, has always been Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together.” That idea of commitment, the up melody, the offer of undying support and devotion is very enticing to me. All of that is what I always wanted from a partner. After a couple of false starts, I finally had it with George. So I played it a lot when he was around.
The other day I heard the song on the radio and all of a sudden I realized I still do have someone to share that love with.
It’s Lily.
When I talked to her principal late last week I told her that we were really struggling. And I meant both of us. I’m trying to go through George’s things and its that awful process of fighting with yourself and everyone else about every single belonging a person has.
Keep it?
Frame it?
Offer it?
Give it?
Share it?
Trash it?
Sell it?
Burn the house down with everything in it? Take my pillow, his pillow and Lily and Sara, Shirley and the pets and get a nice hotel room in Las Vegas and become a taxi driver? Scrape up the life insurance and move to Italy for a year? Rent a super cheap house on a beach somewhere?
I’ve had fantasies of taking Lily out of school (these are repetitive.) I’ve been confused about why everything seems to feel so exquisitely painful when it comes to any responsibilities around Lily’s care. I guess its the only area where I am unable to consider completely giving up.
I’m, I’m so in love with you
Whatever you want to do
Is alright with me
‘Cause you make me feel, so brand new
And I want to spend my life with you
Me sayin’ since, baby, since we’ve been together
Ooo, loving you forever
Is what I need
Let me, be the one you come running to
I’ll never be untrue
Ooo baby
Let’s, let’s stay together
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad
Oooo oooo ooo ooo, yeah
Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad
It used to be my romance song… Now its going to be my Lily song. And though I’d really like to cut and run, I’m listenin’ to Al on this one and hanging in there. Loving her forever.
We’re trying to get some of George’s things together to sell on Ebay. I’m going to call it “LOVE FOR SALE.” I’ll put a link here when we actually get some things listed in case anyone wants to check it out. For those of you worried about me because I haven’t been posting, I’m okay. Just buried in a giant pile of clothing that smells like George. Happy and sad, like the song says.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Regarding the control issue… I like that you said you are going to try to give her choices. Making decisions even when narrowed down to multiple choice options gives them a feeling of responsibility and control over it and becomes less about rebelling. I always used “making a good decision” as my comeback to Dylan when he was acting up. If he was doing something that he was about to get in trouble for and knew it, I would remind him “honey, just remember to try to make a good decision so you won’t have to endure consequences that make you sad or mad.” In most cases this worked in his curbing his temper or acting out… but when he went on to get in trouble anyway…making that bad decision, I would never do an “I told you so” type of response….. I would always empathize with him completely and tell him how sorry I was that he made that bad decision or choice in the matter but that the consequences would soon be behind him and we would have another chance next time to make a better decision. Empathy works wonders even when it is you inflicting the consequences whether it be a “grounding” or “going to bed early” or having to “give up something they enjoy doing” for a while in response to the bad decision they made. I always told Dylan not to worry, I, too made many bad choices and still do, but it’s just a part of living and learning and becoming the better person that God wants me to be or that I promised God I would help him be no matter what. It passes the buck somehow to say you are doing it cause you promised God to help them be the best boy / girl they can be and so you are following His guidelines of imposing consequences for certain behaviors. Empathizing makes it believable to them and they don’t feel you are the bad guy quite as much. It may not seem to work perfectly at first, but once it becomes part of what they expect to hear each time when they are screwing up, after awhile, it works similar to making a hissing sound at a cat when they are on the counter and need to get down…. suddenly their brain triggers and thinks … “hmmmm, am I about to make a bad decision?” and being in control of it, they will learn to curb it, instead of feeling like it’s a battle between you and them. It also gives them an out to back out of the deep water they are already half way into. It’s important too to get a good response from you about how proud you are of the good decision they just made. End of subject, they don’t have to dwell on whether they just gave in to a threat and looked stupid doing it, it’s about being on the same team and working together…. even though you have the job of carrying out the consequence sentence. Hope this helps. It has worked for us.
My heart goes out to you Lisa! I wish I could help on this one but….when Eddie left this world I was left to raise teens on my own so the foundation was already there! I do like Lynns approach to all of the rebellion! I am helping to raise my 2 grand daughters and the 5 year old reminds me of Lily so full of life and a wonderful sense of humor! LOL I have found Lynns approach works well !!!! It is nice to get a post from you! It is also understandable that sometimes you just have to step back and be where you need to be! Grieving is hard work. I remember having my time alone to absorb it all over again. Seems I had to go over & over the same feelings before I could move ahead! (3 steps forward & 2 behind). Just don’t get stuck in 1 place to long! (which is impossible anyway with a child to deal with) It is hard but we pull ourselves along for their sake! You have a lot going on right now so take it easy on yourself my friend! So glad you are getting help from the school! Hang in there it does get better! much love to you all! Jeannie
glad you’re posting again….. “Lily”…. no need to say more… hang in there, lots of hugs to you both, and sara.
J
There are days that I want to run away too. I sometimes feel that I have too much for one person to handle and I haven’t been even close to what you’ve been thru. Every day can be a struggle when you deal with someone with dementia. I find myself complaining but then again I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I feel safer having her here with us. Sooner or later I come back around and get off my piss pot. I just have to remember tomorrow is another day. As for grief….I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing my mother. I think about her alot and she was only 71 yrs young when she passed away. I guess thats why I can’t bring myself to put John’s mother in a nursing home. She is where she belongs and that is with us. No matter how much of a struggle it can be, its good for her, John, Kristi and me. So once again I’ll get off that piss pot and deal with it….ya never know when her time will come. So for now I am thankful to be able to move here to take care of her. Make sure you take that light to the new house. Kids are amazing and I’m sure Lily is dealing with things the best she can…just like you. Hang in there and keep posting. Hugs to you both {{big hugs}}! Cry when you need to. Laugh as loud and long as you can. Laugh so hard it’ll make ya wanna pee…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH oops gotta go the bathroom.
Love ya
Becky
You crack me up!
I didn’t know you were taking care of your mother in law. That is a very big stressor. I admire you for taking it on.
One of the simplest but most profound things I ever heard regarding child rearing came from Dr. Phil: “Love is the best disciplinarian.” I guess it’s up to you to determine how you use that love to discipline. Love isn’t allowing the child to run rampant; it’s doing the hard stuff that is ultimately good for your daughter. For me personally, the hardest thing is learning to “let go” and let her grow up, not holding on forever. But this is coming from an overprotective, Jewish mother. Oy.
Love you lots,
Tracey
Oy indeed!
That song is one of my favorites! I LOVE it. I’ve been out of it too. My best friend Jan’s boy Michael had a STROKE at 23! Blood vessel burst in his head last Friday. Brain Surgery that night. A week later still in ICU, but all is promising. Still some eyesight problems. Think of you and Lily a lot! much love, Doreen