Living the Fairytale

at Shrek on Broadway, 2009

Well, we had a nice time in NYC. The shows were all good, although I was left a bit cold by Billy Elliot and was very surprised since I loved the movie so much.

On the way home I was thinking about the stories we’re told in childhood, (in this case Shrek,) and wondering why most fairy tales begin with the loss of a parent (in Shrek’s case, both.)

Bambi, Nemo, Cinderella, Aladdin, Lilo, Snow White, Quasimodo, Mowgli, Peter Pan, Tarzan, Jasmine, Ariel, Belle, Pocahontas, Simba and many more are all missing one or more parent. Harry Potter is an orphan.

Think of poor Hansel and Gretel and what happened to them!

Hansel and Gretel face the unknown.

Bambi the half-orphan

I remember being so sad after Bambi that I went to bed.

Lily seems to take these orphans and half-orphans in stride these days. She didn’t at first. I remember her crying during Finding Nemo, which was her first movie. She couldn’t believe the mother died. She kept say, “It was so fast!”

Know what you mean, baby, it was awfully fast.

Now that she’s a “half-orphan” (as she calls herself), she just sees it as something that happens all the time, partly because of the stories and movies she knows. She accepts that children lose their parents at an early age because it happened to her. It’s not that she’s not afraid. “You’re not going to die, are you?” she asked. “Because I can’t survive without a mother.”

I will try very, very hard not to die. At least not any time soon.

Sara and Lily Wicked. Lily wants to sing "Defying Gravity" on broadway.

Most of these stories turn out great for the orphans and half-orphans. They go on to become heroic, independent people. They have adventures. They find love. They survive. I pray all of these things are in Lily’s future. Who knows, maybe this tragedy will make her stronger and wiser. I hope so. I believe it will when she says the amazing things she says to me every day. She’s getting on with the business of growing up, facing her fears, or least considering doing so. “I want to be in Wicked when I grow up,” she said. “I have to figure out how to get over being stage fright.” I’m sure she will get over it. She has big dreams and I think many of them will come true.

But being the mom of a half orphan is pretty hard on me. She’s already asking those “Did Daddy… ?” questions that people ask after someone dies. She said she’s starting to forget him. This makes me unspeakably sad.

He had the best lips!

This morning I was doing my usual inventory of George while I waited to get up. His hair, then (long and curly) and now (silver.) His skin (wonderful.) His voice (a deep drawl, worthy of voice overs.) Then I jumped up in bed because I couldn’t remember exactly what his lips were like. It scared me. I know that as time goes by these things will fade in my memory, but today, four months to the day after his death, forgetting seems painfully premature.

New Year's Eve

I spend a lot of time thinking about him.

I’m lonely.

There are lots of people around, but not the one I want. Christmas and New Year were excruciating, though I think I played the part pretty well. But in pictures I can see the sadness in my eyes.

Now that we’re back in Reading we’ll be spending our time getting ready to leave. Its time to get serious about de-cluttering, packing, organizing. These are not my strong points. I’ll be trying to face my fears, just like Lily is. I’m going to concentrate on my love of change and work hard at making big, positive changes in my own life.

When I was a little girl, I imagined living a fairytale life. I just never thought it would be this type of fairytale.

Last night I heard Linda Ronstadt singing, “Long, long time.” The song went right through me. Its really about unrequited love, but for some reason (probably because of our first breakup,) it has always reminded me of him. And I’m sure it always will.