George liked hanging out at home... Guess he still does.
Today I had another visit from George. I can’t tell you how surprised I am that am experiencing this. I have had a lot of people tell me about this phenomenon, and I pretty much thought they were nuts. But its happened again and I can’t deny that these moments hold power and significance.
I was sleeping this afternoon. I’ve barely been able to hold my eyes open since we finished with Christmas Day. I keep going up to my room, hiding out while I hear all kind of bedlam going on in the house. Sleeping that kind of sleep where you wake up hung over, because it’s not sleep, it’s passing out.
People open the door and try to talk to me. I bark out a response and start snoring. The phone rings. I mutter something into it and hang up.
So tired.
But then after Lily came in once this evening I saw that someone was sitting on the side of the bed. It was George. He looked at me and smiled. I tried to talk to him and he held up his hand, and then patted my face. It was so real I got chills. I shivered, closing my eyes, and then when I opened them he was gone. I laid there feeling wonderful for a second.
It made me realize one of things I’m feeling since he is gone. That when I was with him I felt special. He was a special person and I felt special that he loved me. I was proud of him, proud to be with him. I miss that proud feeling. I’m feeling a bit ordinary these days.
These waking dreams or apparitions are unsettling and comforting at the same time. I was electrified while he sat there, my hair on end, hope surging. I was glad to see him. I knew he would be gone in a second. Can’t figure out if this is a way your mind drives you crazy or keeps you sane.
All I know is it is too real to just write off as a simple dream.
I’ve always been someone who finds change comforting, contrary to almost everyone on the planet. I like things to be different. I love going new places. I relish being an outsider, especially when it is for a short time. Seeing unexpected things gives me a thrill.
These are aspects of my personality George found intriguing and annoying. “You’re up for a vacation but not when it’s time to make dinner,” he said once. That’s a rather harsh assessment of me, but I guess its somewhat true. I remember being surprised to find that most people wouldn’t prefer a plane trip to an evening in front of the TV.
But this new world I live in now, where everything is the same and different at once is taking some getting used to. In so many ways nothing has changed. We live in the same house. Our furniture is the same. We drive the same streets, go to the same stores and restaurants.
All that is missing is George.
But without him, everything is different, and that’s a change I’m not enjoying at all.
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{ 3 comments }
Well Lisa I know exactly what you are talking about! I remember feeling as though i was outside looking in! Same streets traveled a million times so why do they not feel familiar? I am not sure how i would put these dreams into perspective? You have a way with words. I think you have to experience what you are going through to know what you are talking about! and no my friend you are not crazy! I believe it is a way of excepting what has happened and maybe trying to put everyone in their place, where they are? These so called dreams are very precious. Embrace them for you never know when he will appear again! I believe he is trying to get you to a peaceful place again only then will George rest, but he will never be far from your love. “Only In Your Dreams” Peace & Love, Jeannie
You are unique in your own way. I am ass opposite of you. I like routine, to conform to some ‘standard expectation’, orderliness, but I also do not run from change and necessary challenges. I roll with the punches but I use ‘standard’ behaviors to cope. NOT sure if that makes any sense. Whatever your experiences now, George visiting you in dreams, making you feel that wonderful sense of love and specialness, are real and comforting and laying down a strength for you to keep moving. That’s my guess of course. You have a lot more strength than you know, even when you are feeling exhausted and physically tired, you have an inner fortitude, core strength that keeps you moving among “bedlam”. You have a way to manage what others might deem to be utter chaos, but that is YOUR strength and it will get you through everything. For now much is the same, and when you build the house and it becomes your new home, then things will again change but still be the same in many ways and you’ll find a ‘new’ Lisa has evolved over time, maybe a changed Lisa too. Already you are stronger than in those first few weeks. You are working hard emotionally to make sense of things, to reconcile things, to overcome and prevail, to move forward. You may NOT be ready to cook dinner (so get take out) but you are ready to face whatever life throws your way BECAUSE you have already over come so much. Hang in there. We’ll see you at the 2011 at the 35th GKHS reunion b/c we 76 grads are a tough bunch…and besides, Chrissy is going to find all those class officers and alumni who still live in NO and just DO IT! Hugs to you and Lily and Sara…J
Ok go ahead and call me nuts. I told you he was with you. I believe he fought those long hard two weeks to make sure you would be ok. Trust me I believe he heard you talking to him and he is appearing to check on you. His physical pain is gone and his emotional pain is still trying to figure it all out. Take a deep breath as you made it thru the holidays and take another small step forward. Love to you both.
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