Got something in your bag for me?
Here comes Santa Claus… yes, he’s coming right down Santa Claus Lane. And I’m considering heading him off at the pass, because I’m not sure I’m up for the merriment that he generally brings along with him. I’ve been experiencing a strange phenomenon this Christmas week. I’m awake. I’m breathing. I’m even laughing and chatting. But I’m not sure I’m all here, or there, or anywhere.
Somewhere, I’m not sure where, I heard the saying, “There’s no there, there.” That’s sort of how I feel. I’m pretty good at responding as things happen. I was properly surprised that Brittany Murphy died yesterday. Just a girl, too young to die, that was an easy one to figure out how to respond to. Christmas is coming, so I needed to get Lily some gifts. I did that. Probably too many, but what do you do when Daddy dies? Try to make her feel better, right? Yes, I’m asking you. My usual helper when gauging these things, my soul, is on hiatus lately so I do ask crazy, obvious questions.
My inner voice is hoarse.
My empathy gauge is low.
I guess my bucket has a hole in it.
I sat on the couch all day today in my Hello Kitty pjs, which I got with Lorna on a shopping trip in Philly during better times. They’re comfortable and make me appear less depressed. We got home from our trip to Asheville and Sara, God bless her, had cleaned up the house and finished decorating, opened the boxes of gifts I barely remembered ordering for Lily and wrapped them. She put them under our overloaded tree, which is filled with new ornaments I bought thinking I’d better institute some new traditions for Lily to enjoy since so many of the old ones are over. Got lots of “meaningful” ornaments that will be hers one day. In my foggy mind, this is something that will make her feel better about things.
Not sure it will work, but I did it.
Our driveway went un-shoveled this weekend and we are calf deep in hard frozen snow. I had an appointment and couldn’t move the car, which is frozen in place. I felt bad that I failed to shovel, failed to realize I was going to be housebound today, but I just didn’t even think about dealing with the snow. Just didn’t care. Didn’t want to get cold. Don’t know how to use the blower. We’re the only family on the block with covered up sidewalks and driveway. Another thing that makes me feel uncomfortable, but I’m so uncomfortable generally that one more thing hardly registers.
Friends help me feel a little more “there,” but only when I’m actually talking to them. As soon as I hang up I’m right back in the doldrums.
Am I lonely? No, but I miss George on a cellular level.
Am I sad? Sadness has become a way of life.
Mostly what I am is numb. Its a feeling of being “on pause.” There’s the hope that that I’ll go back into the “play” mode, but I think I need something to un-pause me. What makes that happen in these situations? Everyone says time. So I guess I’m asking Santa for time this Christmas. Can Santa jump me forward to where the necessary time has passed and I feel more like a person and less like a shadow? Got that in your bag, Santa?
A friend told me that she wondered why George was taken when he had so much to live for, and she was left though she felt she didn’t. Not the way it works, my friend. These things are just random, I think, and though I know some people believe in predestination and fate, etc, this experience has underscored my general belief that things just happen. If you’re lucky, really lucky, you live a long and happy life. If you don’t step off of the curb at the wrong time, or get born with a weak defense system, or end up in the wrong plane at the wrong time, you get to live. If not, well, you get in a crash and you die, and there’s no bringing you back.
So I’m sitting on the couch in my pjs, the Christmas tree lighting our living room, while Lily jumps from ottoman to ottoman and Shirley and Sara keep the homefires burning. I’m not crying and I’m not panicked, its more that I’m in a state of suspended animation. Maybe what I’m feeling is perfectly normal given the situation. Four months ago today, George went out the front door, uncharacteristically failing to kiss me goodnight. He was late and so he just shouted “See you in the morning,” from the front door. I did see him in the morning, but he was hooked up to a respirator and we never talked again.
Someone said to me recently, “You’re not the only one who has feelings.” She was irritated with me because I’m very self absorbed (!) and I guess wanted to tell me off. It hardly bothered me that she said that to me, because at this stage, its more accurate to describe me as someone who has no feelings. I lost them in the crash. Now I’m waiting for George to come home, I guess, and then I’ll feel better.
Eventually, I’m sure that it will sink in, really in, that he’s gone and I’ll go back to being a version of my old self. I’ll find that “new normal” that all the grief books tout, and reflect warmly on my memories of life with George and feel less of a pang when I do.
Gotta say, that “new normal” seems extremely far away , and I can’t imagine how accepting George’s absence will make me feel anything I really want to feel. So I’m just sitting here… “watching” TV, “helping” Lily with her homework, “planning” for a future when every minute isn’t taken up with learning to accept reality.
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{ 5 comments }
live only the present, I know why a child its difficult but live the present, we can not change the past, and the future we dont know what will happend even we will have many plans, the only thing that we can do its accept the presnt and live this one how it is.
have faith in God its the only person that can hep you to understand all this,faith, pray . he is holding you now in all this difficult time.
No need to question the presence or absence of your thoughts and emotions. This experience is personal to you and you alone. You are entiteled to that. Just find the strength to ask for help when you need it, with snow in your driveway and all the other more or less frozen things. I have another book recommendation for you… Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. This is not like the book I sent you, but it talks a lot about coming to terms with loss and endings and finding oneself. They Pray part was very powerful for me. I am glad your family (and Hello Kitty) are staying close.
You feel what you feel, and it’s real. You miss George terribly. You’re doing your best to give Christmas to Lily, to make it as happy as it was …. you’re doing the best you can do…that’s all you can do and so enjoy every moment as best as you can. It is true TIME will pass and with time life will find you and vice versa. Everyone comes through trauma at their own pace, in their own way, and so forget the ice on your sidewalk and driveway and what the neighbors think. If they don’t like it then they can help you remove it. You have a wonderful loving family, beautiful Lily, plans for a new house that will be your home, and you have a life worth living, even though right now, it seems empty without your soulmate. You will again find joy, life, real laughter, and someday you will look back at these dark horrible days…. and be amazed at how you grew and became a new person.
I read somewhere (maybe you wrote it) that a sudden death, or traumatic event, cannot be processed quickly by the brain. A healthy brain will push everything to “the back room” and then slowly, over time, absorb and process the information . That is what that feeling of “not being here” is about. The process is really slow, so you will notice improvement only later. You’ll look back in 6 months and realize how far you’ve come, etc. Hang in there!!!
you take it one day at a time as slow a pace as you wish….your soul mate has been taken from you. You are allowed to grieve as long as you need to. You have been there for Lily and that is what George would have wanted. I can only imagine what you are feeling, and how you even get out of bed on a daily basis. I can only imagine because I have not lived it. I wish you the best this holiday season. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
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