At the hostital.
George is haunting me again, but not in a friendly visit.
I’m up again all night and the subject is exactly what caused him to die? I keep going over in my head the actual events that led up to his death and they seem so random.
- He went to work as always that evening expecting to be home in the early hours of the next day.
- The weather was clear.
- He got to work and somehow it was decided that he would fly with a co-pilot who was training to become a captain.
- The co-pilot was flying when the plane overran the runway in Teterboro, NJ, an airport that he regularly flew into, and George landed it in a parking lot, hitting a sign and tree (there was nowhere big enough to land.)
- The plane, which must have been filled with gas, exploded.
- The pilots escaped the plane.
- They walked to the bus stop to wait for the ambulance, and were talking to witnesses.
- He was choppered to St. Barnabas Burn Unit, a leading burn center in Livingston, NJ…
- …Where despite their best efforts after two weeks, he died.
- I never got to talk to him, as he was in a drug induced coma the whole time.
- I planned two memorials and attended another, planned by friends.
- I’m planning to move to Asheville to live on land the family owns.
- We continue to wait for the NTSB report deciding the cause of the crash.
That is a short and to the point account of what transpired. It tells me absolutely nothing about why George died though.
I wonder constantly about the details of the night. Was he scared? Did he think he could land the plane without incident, or did he know he was in big trouble?
Was he in terrible pain after the crash, or were his burns and shock so severe that he felt nothing but the pounding of his heart? Did he know he was going to die?
George in the Burn Unit.
When the nurse called to tell me he was at the hospital he was awake and talking. Why didn’t I ask to speak to him? It would have been the last time I ever spoke to him, and I would give anything, just about, to go back to that night and demand that I have the chance to speak to him before they sedated him. I could have told him I loved him and that I was on the way. I could have heard his voice one more time.
I screwed up the phone bill, it turns out, and our service got interrupted. I’ve taken over the bills, but first lack of money and then lack of brain power have caused me to miss various payments. I didn’t realize because I could call out, and calls came in. But they turned off our voice mail and the message I was saving, the one where he said, “You’ve reached George and Lisa,” in his deep, melodic voice, was erased by Verizon. I planned to record it somehow. Now, I’ll never hear him say “George and Lisa” ever again. Just like I never got to hear his voice the night of the accident. I find this absolutely crushing.
Then there is the arc of his hospital battle:
- First, his lungs were the problem, one of them having been punctured in the accident. His first hurdle was to survive that wound, and he did.
- Then, he suffered from lung problems related to the heat and toxicity of the flames from the burning plane. He struggled with that until doctors finally pronounced him clear of the lung problems.
- Then, his blood pressure dropped to dangerously low levels.
- While all this went on, he was apparently developing a massive infection, one that would eventually kill him.
- The day before his death he had an operation to excise the burned skin on his back, a barbaric operation where they basically carved the deep wound off of him. He needed eight units of blood during the operation and more in recovery.
- They explained that they would not have normally operated on someone so sick, but it was absolutely necessary to remove his burns or he would absolutely die from them. I was told to look at it as an emergency operation.
- The next day he succumbed to massive clotting. falling blood pressure, and overwhelming infection.
So who or what is to blame? Where did he turn the corner from life to death? By leaving the house? Taking on a co-pilot? Being too weak to have the burned skin excised sooner so that he could avoid infection and, ultimately, death? I feel the hospital did everything medically possible to save him, so how come it ended the way it did?
I know it is a moot point because it can’t be fixed.
But knowing something and accepting it are two different things, of course, and even if I say I accept I can’t really know if I do since I think about the whole thing in minute detail all the time consciously and unconsciously. Its not something I can control, like thinking he might come home any minute.
It’s awful to look at a chain of events from afar, once they’ve played out, and wonder why… what if… did I fail?
He’s dead and there’s no getting him back no matter how present he sometimes feels and that’s it.
But as the day dawns in Pennsylvania I’m going over it all again, I have no real answers, and I’m haunted by the horror and mystery of it all.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Awwh! Lisa this will pass in time! I remember dreaming similiar dreams..I longed to see my Eddie in my dreams and everytime it was these aweful nightmares leading to his death just as they happened in vivid detail! I relived that night over & over the cpr technique did i do something wrong? then in my dreams we would meet and it was not pleasant reliving old arguments and such…then i remember the dreams when we would visit at places i yet to see(one dream we danced on a clear floor with beautiful gold ribbons all around the border inlaid under what looked like a glass floor) everywhere i go i look for this floor but i yet to find it! heaven maybe? Anyway I believe when you find some peace your dreams will become a beautiful meeting place for you & George remember they say “only in your dreams”! I believe this is all a part of accepting the reality of what has happened! I believe our mind & soul can only accept so much pain at one time so we have to accept it in pieces over time so that we can go on! Just know you are not alone dear friend! wish we were closer I would love to sit and listen over a good cup of coffee..but this is all we have so please know i am still here waiting on your writings! Love to you all,Jeannie
somehow knowing you did the best you could is not helpful when you are in flashback mode. i’m not sure that knowing this is a normal reaction to a mind-numbing loss is helpful either, even though it is. best i can do is let you all know that you remain in my prayers. you will look back on this and not know how you got through it. the experience has already changed you, and will continue to change you as long as you have memory. and when it’s cellular, soul memory, the only way to ultimately use that energy which now keeps you up nights is to let the changes occur, however they may…hugs, b
I think it’s perfectly normal to rehash the events over and over. Perhaps it’s one way we humans come to terms with tragedy and loss. We humans are a curious bunch and inherently we want/seek answers even if we know whatever we find out won’t change the current status. All I can share with you is something you already know, you will find a way through this. Your experience has changed you into a stronger woman and mommie and at the end of this tunnel, you will look back and be amazed. Hang in there. I read your posts with eagerness and share in part the emotions of your journey.
Joy
The people of Quest Diagnostics are more than employees. We are a family. And when one family member hurts we all hurt. The truth is that there are no answers, only questions.
The only answer I have is that when I meet the pilot at Teterboro to give him what he landed for I always think of a pilot who did his job to the best of his ability and now his job is complete.
It’s nice to know that he has a family who loves him very much. No one could hope for more than that.
This processing of what happened and all the “what if’s” and “should I have’s” are a very normal part of grief. I didn’t know that until I went through it. Very often, grief feels like guilt. I did the same thing you’re doing. I made a long mental list of things I could have/should have done but cannot. For me, it was the most difficult part of the whole ordeal. Every time I went through my guilt list, the Lord Jesus would show me that I was just missing my husband and that’s why I felt the way I did.