So, yesterday was three months since it happened. I’m trying to take a pulse on the situation, and I have to say, I’m not sure how well we’re doing. In the last few days, since got back from Chicago, Lily has been throwing temper tantrums. It’s sort of stunning for her to just suddenly be saying “No!” to everything I ask her to do. I confess I had this coming in some sense, I used the tried and true mommy technique of “Wait until your father gets home,” for years, and obviously, that’s not working these days. But I am sure its a lot more than just knowing I have no backup that is underneath these dust-ups.
Whatever the reason for her behavior, I find it very unsettling.
Then there’s me. I’m a wreck. Today was a low point. I just couldn’t shake a feeling of impending doom (a bit late wouldn’t you say?) I dragged around for part of the day and then went back to bed and rolled up in a blanket. I slept like the dead and woke up feeling exhausted and confused.
My bed is torn up, with everything untucked and wadded up. That’s probably from the amount of sleeping I’m not doing. Dreams are haunting me, some to do with George, others just your garden variety anxiety dreams that wake me up and discourage me from trying to go back to sleep. No one willingly courts the kind of dreams I’m having lately.
Lack of sleep is probably at the core of my depression. I can’t sleep for more than one night in a row. If I do get a good sleep, I invariably spend the next night wide awake, obsessing on various details of the move, planning tasks I end up being too tired to do the following day. Poor Sara, I think I’m freaking her out, but she’s forging ahead, packing some things, throwing others away, arguing with Lily when she acts up, feeding the dogs and bunny, trying to keep our spirits up.
Today I placed a couple of panicky calls to friends who weren’t home. After a couple of tries I just stopped because I started to feel silly. What are other people supposed to do about my situation? They can’t fix it any more than I can. And most of my anxiety is free-floating. But I confess I do feel the need to be taken care of, and I’m not sure where to turn for that. In most of my relationships I’ve been the caregiver. I do have several that aren’t that way, but distance is a barrier to those people helping me out at these random times when I suddenly fall apart.
So I guess I’m saying today is a bad day and there are probably lots more to come. I’m not exactly complaining. I’m reporting. I report that I am having a series of bad days where I wonder if I am person enough to get through this and come out the other end with the will to make a good life for Lily and me. I keep worrying that I’m going to ruin her. Her recent tantrums are not making me feel confident that I’m handling things right.
When will this improve? Who knows. I’m not in possession of a handbook for grief and recreating your life after it has been ruined. I wish there was a step by step list of things I could do to guarantee success. I suspect the list is: take one step. Take another step. Rest. Freak out. Take another step. Panic. Cry. Run away for a few days. Take another step. Call for backup. Feel silly. Get manic. Feel strangely excited. Feel terribly guilty. Stay up all night worrying about the future. Sleep like the dead– during the day. Repeat. So far that’s what I’m doing. Its a roller coaster and its exhausting. Underneath it all is disbelief and anger. No matter how much I try to accept, I am having trouble believing that George suffered this wasteful, disappointing fate. He deserved better. We all did.
So, I guess I’ll sign off and try reading for a while. Sometimes that helps. I’m sure tomorrow will look better. It usually does. If not, there’s always shopping, or the movies, or writing here. I have a new plan to write here for one year. I figure that will give Lily a history of how we got through this horrible situation that she can read in the future so she can understand the jumble of memories she will have about all of this. One year. Three months down, nine to go. Nine months to give birth to a new life. The countdown is on.
Wish us luck. We need it.
Related posts:
{ 5 comments }
Lisa,
I’m so sorry for what your going through. I wish there was something I could do, but I know that only time and prayer will heal you and lily. At least you have a plan, as empty as it seems without George, it will help you to have something to focus on.
You are going to love Asheville, and how wonderful to be living on the very ground that George grew up on!!! Someday the pain will lessen and you will be blessed with the precious memeories of your life with such a special person! I know how blessed i feel to have been a part of his life and will always hold him close to my heart! You have the most precious part of him with you, Lily, she will always keep him alive, in watching her grow! Soon you will be able to see her play and run in the very pasture that he did. George spirit will always be all around you and Lily!!!
Love to you all
Lesley
it seems you are writing your own handbook about how to get through this; i suspect that everyone has to write their own, every time they deal with such a loss. do not feel silly about calling any of us–it’s a different feel than the writing, as you know–and it sounds as if you could use another perspective at those times, so don’t be shy about asking for it! being sleep-deprived makes everything more difficult to deal with, and is a part of the situation that might be addressed medically–when so much of the rest of it can’t be…..hugs, b
…and sometimes children are unreasonable and throw tantrums because that’s what kids do. They, too, are trying to conquer their environments, feelings, bad days, good days, etc. And I don’t mean this callous when I say this, but not everything with you are Lily is about loss. Sometimes it is just life. Life in a time when the economy is bad, health problems on the rise, raising a child in the 21st century, trying to live in the 21st century. Everyone knows someone who has been touched by all the bad news lately. Keep on keeping on. Progress is all you need, not perfection. And some days, progress is being able to make it back to the bed.
Hey Lisa, It’s still tough going, but you will emerge months from now, you WILL, and things will see “better”. Don’t worry about “how it should be done” cuz like parenting, there are a set of “standards” but it’s different for every parent / child / situation. Standard is, YOU DO THE BEST YOU CAN DO at the time, using with whatever understanding you have, using whatever tools you have available to you, and that’s ALL you can do. 20/20 hindsight, for those days when you feel the need to beat yourself in the head, “See? I should have, could have…,” always seems “perfect” and is great for piling regret upon YOURSELF. I know cuz I spent a LONG TIME doing that very unhealthy activity to myself. You know in your heart what is best b/c you are a loving, caring woman, who is TOUGHER than you realize. I do believe if you just face one day at a time, make plans for your future, even if you don’t feel like it or feel depressed, etc., just going through the exercise will at least be a point of focus for you (like Lamaze breathing), and in time, when you are ready, you will at least have some stuff planned. What you have gone through is a tremendous tragedy. In time, I know you will overcome. If you love nature, maybe go for a nature walk (in a safe area of course), clear your head, cry if you need to, talk to George if you feel it, let your guard down, cuz sometimes we work so hard to keep up a facade of “normal” for the kids, we emotionally wear ourselves out! (I used to take long hot showers, and cry/scream/talk to myself…..to clear my head. NO nature paths anywhere near me.) Hang in there…..AND keep writing b/c I think your words are beautiful and Lily WILL one day, be forever grateful for your committment to this task of overcoming tragedy. I am grateful for your sharing your strength with me. HUGS to you and Lily…. Your new home will be beautiful and maybe that will be the starting point for whatever you “feel” is right for the future.
As for Lily’s recent “NO”, I am sure part of is is just being a KID. But if you think she needs some extra help, maybe see a grief counselor to help her deal with the loss. You might find she has been trying extra hard to be “normal and good” b/c she feels it is her job to be “good for Mommy”, and she is feeling stress from that job. Kids are funny, as much as we try to protect them from “sad/bad/ugly”, when they see us stressed, they try to do the same for us, and they don’t even know it. You are a good mom, you know Lily and I am sure you’ll figure this one out too. J
Comments on this entry are closed.