Coming up on three months… Three whole months since I’ve seen George, kissed him goodnight, laughed at his jokes. Tonight, ordering Lily’s Christmas gifts on the internet, it seems a little realer and just a little bit sadder.
Lily and I had a really good time in Chicago, but it was bittersweet. It was good to be with friends, but I felt a pang every time Steve called Ella “Buddy” which was often. They have a sweet relationship, very close and supportive. Each night Lily stood in line to get a hug goodnight and squealed when she got one. These three months are the first time in her life she hasn’t been lavished every day with love by a father. Even when he was out of town George would call and tell her he loved her, he missed her, he thought she was amazing.
So of course she misses him. On the way home she sat next to the window on the plane and once again talked about the clouds and the sunset and how he loved them. What I try to avoid thinking about she obsesses on. I hope we get in sync one day.
I’m moving forward on the house in Asheville. Spending a lot of time thinking about floors, walls and ceilings. Lily used her Magic 8 Ball today to read my fortune. I’m going to be happy in the future, but I’m probably not getting a swimming pool. The Magic 8 Ball says. So I can count on happiness in the future, but probably not from the deep end of an in-ground pool. I can deal with that. I hope I will be happy again, the kind of happy I used to take for granted.
Since George died its a lot harder to believe I’ll still be here very far into the future. Life seems so easily lost. I think about all of the people I know who have lived long lives, people who harbored hate for others, racists, people who cause pain casually, people who let others down, narcissistic people. Its very hard not to wonder why they get to stay around while George disappeared in a puff of smoke. I guess this is a pretty normal thought process for someone who is grieving, so I try to just let it happen and then move on.
I think this Christmas will be Lily’s last one that includes a belief in Santa Claus. She’s asking a lot of questions about the elves, and how many fit in the sleigh, and how Santa knows when you are sleeping, and how he gets into the house when there’s no chimney. She’s got it figured out, but she’s hoping she’s wrong. Sometimes I feel like a big liar when I answer her questions, telling her he’s real. But I think she needs a little magic in her life right now, so I’m not taking Santa away. She’s lost enough, and so have I.
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Sad. I’m sorry. I gave Taylor the choice of believing in Santa Claus, and because she wanted to, we pretended he was real for many years. I think she was 10 when she really knew the truth (what is the truth, though?), and we kept pretending until she was in high school, I think, because the other kids were giving her a hard time. But why not believe? Who cares if it’s real or not? What is real? Whatever you want to be, that’s how I feel.
Love to you.
My son is 11. Last year he started to “pin me down” about Santa. The look in his hopeful eyes told me he wasn’t ready for the big let -down. His best friends’ mother told me that she admitted to her boys last year that “there was no Santa” and they admitted to her that they wished now she hadn’t told them. So when my son has ever said “mom is santa claus real?” I have always said “of course he’s real…. Santa Claus is the spirit of Xmas.” Well thank goodness he had not yet pinned me down to find out exactly what “the spirit of…” meant. But this time he said “Mom, there are some kids at school who said that their parents play Santa and they buy the gifts instead and just say they are from Santa Claus. Is this true? Is there really no Santa?” My heart raced for an answer and I told him this… “Dylan, Santa is very real…as you know he is the spirit of Christmas. But since his spirit is so magical, there are people who eventually stop believing in him. When they do, it’s okay… because that is when their parents take over Santa’s job and start buying the gifts so that the spirit of Xmas can live on. This can happen at any choice and Santa looks at it as passing the torch along to his helpers. You have a choice..and either one is fine. If you choose to continue to believe in him, he will still bring your gifts himself. If you choose not to believe anymore then he will turn that duty over to me and Dad, kinda like he does the elves that stand in for him at the department stores. So when your friends tell you that there is no Santa Claus and that their parents are buying the gifts, they are not lying, that is what they know and that is what they truly do. They won’t believe that he is coming to your house anymore. But remember, it’s not your place to try to convince them they are wrong, you need only be concerned with what you believe and what happens in your own life. What do you feel in your heart? do you believe in him?” My son looked at me with relief-filled eyes and he said “I choose to believe in him mommy, cause I want him to keep coming to my house himself.” And so we have another year of magic and one day when he looks back I hope he will find the transition of going from believing to not believing easier than many others who were told the hard cold truth because their parents ran out of answers.
Sounds like Lily and I can have lots of Santa time still, if we want to.
I hope Lily believes in Santa for a while yet to come! Dreams are magical and they say Santa lives in the dream world! Lisa please know your feelings are normal! I to wondered why my Eddie’s life had to be taken away when there were so many bad ones walking around doing evil acts and such..then decided he was needed somewhere else more! I have grown in strength over the years since his death! I still have my moments especially around the holidays! But life is good and I am happy most of the time! Enjoy this holiday season with Lily! The young spirit will lift you! and remember Lisa “Only in your Dreams” anything is possible!
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