Waiting up. Eating late at night. Watching obscure old Westerns. There’s lots of stuff I’m not doing these days, now that my partner in crime has moved on. George and I had a strange lifestyle, driven by his crazy schedule, eclectic tastes, and our desire to spend lots of time together.
Saturday nights are hard, because we always hung out, staying up all night talking about everything that had happened all week long… and lots and lots of stuff happened during those weeks. Pretty much most of our lives these past few years passed while we were apart, one of us sleeping, one of us carrying on.
We did what we could to connect. On weekdays he’d come in at 3, 4, 5, 6 am or even later, and I’d jump out of bed and go downstairs while he reheated and ate his dinner, no matter how much he protested and encouraged me to stay in bed. I didn’t want to, I missed him. So I’d get up, and we’d talk about his “day” and about Lily, touch base on family business, gossip, discuss each other’s take on the news.
On the weekends, he’d sleep all day on Saturday and get up around five. He and Lily would read, do a project, or watch a DVD. By eight she was asleep on the love seat, or in his lap. Then it was “our” time. We’d make guacamole, have a cocktail, watch a movie, or just talk.
On Sundays he’d get up a bit earlier, maybe 2pm, and we’d go out and run errands. Then home for dinner and family time before Lily went to sleep around 8pm. I’d stay up as late as I could on Sundays and suffer on Monday morning when it was time to get Lily off to school, but I didn’t mind. I wanted to see him and because of his schedule it had to be me that made the sleep sacrifices. I wasn’t working a regular job, so I did, and we saw each other maybe 12 to 15 hours a week. Not a lot of time to squash a life into, but it was, as they say, “quality time.”
Now that he’s gone, I’m trying hard to normalize. But it not as easy as you’d think. Turns out I’m now a night person. Turns out I feel closer to George when everyone else is asleep. So, there’s a lot of late night sleeplessness going on over here, and lots of draggy days and miserable mornings. Sara helps a lot, and has been getting Lily off to school. I feel guilty, but I just can’t seem to flip my schedule over to regular time yet. I know it sound nuts but I’m afraid what’s left of him here in the house will dissipate if I don’t stay up at night. It’s a way to commune with him, I guess.
George died just two months and a couple of days ago. It seems like its been a long time already to a lot of people, and they encourage me to move forward, reorganize my life, get with it. They point out that I don’t have to stay up late any more, I can live a normal lifestyle, follow a “regular” schedule. But it feels like life is upside down and everyone else is out of whack.
Two months. No time at all. Lily is trying to find traces of him too. She was helping me with the laundry and picked up a pair of jeans. She stopped, electrified, “They smell like Dad!” she yelped. I put them in a plastic bag. Maybe the smell will linger. If it does, maybe she’ll remember him longer.
She said, “It seems like Dad is gone and will just come back.” I told her that’s what our brains do. They kindly make it seem like he might come home so we can stand the pain. She got really excited, “You mean he can come back?” she asked, her face flushed. When I hugged her to me her heart was pounding. “No,” was all I could choke out right then. “He’s not coming back.”
Just two months and its still a shock, unbelievable, not possible. He’s not coming home, at 3, or 4, or 5, or 6am, or ever. We’re going to have to get used to it, but I think its going to take a lot longer than just two months.
We got through Halloween, and we’re going away for Thanksgiving. Christmas will be the big test. Lily wants to go to New York City and see plays. She wants to travel all over. She asks to go to Atlanta, to California, to Texas. She wants to see a real castle, so she’s asking about Europe. She’s full of hopes and dreams and curiosity and all of this helps me get through the days, and gives me a lot to think about and hope for. What do widows do who don’t have kids? They must feel so empty! With Lily every day is a BIG day. Today she went to her friend’s house and made a movie. She sang in it, even though she’s “stage fright.” (“I’m stage fright,” she says. “I’m kleptomania,” Lorna answers.)
So she, in her own way, is moving on… And I’m dragging behind, frazzled, worn out, pooped. I’m thinking this is pretty much what my immediate future looks like. I guess I’ll latch on to her energy field and let her tug me along into a new life. Maybe in a couple of months, when George has been gone just four months, I’ll be ready to join the ranks of those who thrive during the day. Just don’t know. Four months seems like a real short time. So does six. And it stretches out in front of me a long, long way. Lots of nights without my husband. Should I try to forget, or try to remember? Which gets me farther, faster? Which helps Lily thrive? Which is kindest to me?
It’s early yet, just after ten, not anywhere near “George Time.” I’ll be up late tonight, of that I am sure. I miss him and I want to tell him about Lily’s movie. Just two short months, and he’s already missed so, so much. I thought he missed so much before, when he slept all day. I just had no idea at all how much there was to really miss.
Like absolutely everything.
Related posts:
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s been a good 10 years since my brother died of heroine. Went to see the Australian Pink Floyd and cried all the way through “Comfortably Numb”. Still can’t hear that song…..These things take time. If you can travel, do so. A real distraction…..I’m still listening and love you both!!
two months is really no time at all, no matter the reason, unless you’re seven years old. one of the realizations i have about your situation is that you now have a keen awareness of time both from your daughter’s perspective and your own, because grieving, like loving, is the only real time there is. that kind of time does not respect calendars or clocks because it is not measured that way. madeleine l’engle uses the word kairos–God’s time–to describe this(the wikipedia entry about kairos is also interesting). she was talking about creativity but i think it also applies here. bless you both……hugs, b
I dont know you and you dont know me. BUt I work at Quest I am a tech and I fele so sad when I hear about the plane . 2 months its really nothing, yes the time Help but you wll never never forget anyhting everything even troguht the years will be in your heart for ever, even the others dont even ask more for him.I Know the time will help you and the little Lily, she will be the inspiration of your live, she will be the motor fo your heart. but dont force yourself to move over. Pray and pray and give this moment to God he will hold you and help you in your live, only God. and george will be your angel there when you need help.
The holiday I think this is the ones that you will found more difficult to live, all the memories willback and when you most wish ans ask why he is not here with us.But God will be the courage to move foward.
In the next 2 months you’ll move a little more and then more and more. No time is needed here. Take it slow and go at your own pace. Perhaps watch a western movie w/ some popcorn. It’s OK to cry and laugh. May the memories out weigh the tears and may laughter shine thru. Having just lost my Uncle last week I get to relive the pain of death again. What can we do but go on…..and remember our happy times. Peace to you both. Keep posting you are an inspiration to many. Who says you have to change your schedule it will happen when you are ready. Hugs to you both.
When I “lost” my husband 15 years ago, I had read that it takes 2-5 YEARS to get over it, normally. I was STARTING to get better after 2 years, Lisa. Is there really someone out there who is giving you advice that you should start moving on? Not meaning to sound indelicate, but they probably have their head up their ass.
So, now here’s my advice: Whatever you’re thinking or doing is OKAY. Don’t try to think differently, or act differently. Don’t resist your current normal inclination to stay up late and think whatever thoughts you want. Or as Paul McCartney said, just “Let It Be.” And maybe show yourself a little compassion and acceptance.
Dearest Lisa I am still here in the wings, still thinking of you & your heart ache…Time is all we really have…take it and embrace it! I to was told to move on! sounds so easy! If only there was a magic pill! but…I know it does not exist. Been 12 1/2 years since my other half left this life taking part of my being and leaving half of his in my heart..I have grown over the years having his love to grow within my soul,,don’t be afraid! The love you feel never goes away…in the end all you have left is the missing…I still have days & nights of longing…But mostly I have warm loving feelings when I think of him or hear that song or speak his name or feel his presence and I find myself smiling…don’t recall when I made that transition..but it happened…Life is good It will be good for you again too! Hang in there Lisa You will come along when you are ready….Stay strong…You will find peace again I promise you that…All my love to you & Lily & Sara